> too shyshy hushhush why do i
i am a shy commentator, or more specifically; i dun comment at all; on other's blogs (online strangers' anyways) ... just merely content with mindraping reading and keeping comments and reactions to myself. with a very very few exceptions and some times, even under an anonymous-tag ... am i "shy" or izzit deeper than that?
time now is 3am and im supposed to be sleeping, getting rest for me medical checkup. but i am not. and i've thought of this stoopid-topic to rant on about in here. i am not totally lucid. head's pounding a bit, mild nausea plaguing my entire night, so please bare wif me as i ramble on for dear clarity and meaning ...
i am a late online-bloomer (if that can be called). i started getting online (and when i mean "online", i mean "actively participating" rather than just surffor porn for toys) in late 2001, starting out lurking on the Men With Dolls forum (for the longest time) before i ever posted my first comment in early '02! oh man, the stress and discomfort of "delurking" and posting a comment! = t'was akin to breaking wind in a crowded elevator filled with old buddies and friends; them chatting up a storm and having fun, and you're the only stranger amongst and then ya ~ *blarp* ... and everyone STOPS to take a whiff of the nasty ... and they look at you ... and even thru the lifeless computer-monitor; blardy thousands and thousands of miles away from everyone else, i could feel their stares down my replies ... and that had me on edge for the longest time, before i could even pluckup enough nerve to reply/comment on another post.
... ya think it's funny, doncha? well, it is now ... heh ... but back then? ...
the feeling is like i've intruded on some secret party/get-together. a group of peeps in their own clicks and personal built-up-comfort-zones; hanging out and chilling ... and in bursts this "stranger" ... but instead of acting like wittle kiddies in kindergarten, when taught to react to strangers with pointed fingers and shouts of "STRANGER! STRANGER!" - everyone just keeps quiet. nobody replies. nobody even acknowledges your comment, Nay, YOUR EXISTENCE! and you await with baited breath in front of your monitor, fingers poised over keys, ever ready to make a hearty and witty comeback and "hello!" ... but nothing happens for all eternity (or so it seems) and you log-off; heartbroken ... defeated ... shamed ...
... and ya swear off commenting ever and ever and ever and ever again ... "dun visit you anymore, hrmph" ...... *shrug*
yeah, does seems kinda stoopid and farnie now, dunnit? heh. truly so, truly so ... and all it took was persistence, regularity, basic online courtesy and etiquette (for which i've forgotten all, 'natch *blergh*) and a simple introduction to myself, for everyone. and things started rolling and next thing ya know? i was an online toy forum whore. standing on my own little cyberstreetcorner, plying my wares muahahahahahaha *smoke filters thru the night air underneath the flickering lampost*. i was there everyday. at work. at home. sacrificing sleep. (thank gawd i was single then) and i was "turning tricks" at many other toy forums too. i was everywhere. posting pictures of my toys and collections, making a "mark/name" for myself, making new online friends ... aaahhhhh ... those were glorious days ...
and the thing that bugged me throughout alla the time spent online, were the "other" comments usual folks might give ... like for example; someone would postup a superb looking customfigure and most replies would go along the lines of: "AWESOME!" ... "THAT'S GREAT!" ... "WOW!" ... "COOL!" ... "THAT'S AWESOME!" ... "WOW! THAT'S GREAT! COOL!" ... ya get my drift? ... and tis NOT that im an "elitist-commentator" or anything skewered like that, it's just that maybe "commenting for the sake of commenting" means naught to me ... like might as well dun comment if ya have nothing else better to say or of value to offer, innit? ... but of coz turning the tables on myself, whenever i post an image or custom figure, i'd even appreciate each and every "AWESOME/GREAT/WOW/COOL" that's plastered on the comment-fields. for perhaps that's all there is to it, a semblence of recognition for your "works", your "existence" ...
what be "value" anyways? one man's nonchalance might be another's vindication? one peep's insight might be another's salvation? or maybe we/i should place too much in "commentary-value", innit? just share to show you care ...
but can that be said the same for online blogs? maybe, maybe not? how much recognition do we show the blogs we read? how much do i show? obviously not a lot... heh ... becoz i've got nothing "better" to say? becoz i've got nothing to offer? becoz i have no opinions or have "no right" to opinions; becoz im a "stranger"? becoz i dun wanna feel as if im "intruding"? becoz anything i say might come across as trite and fake-o? becoz im defeated first by my own online-insecurities? becoz i dun wanna be "known" (meaning: dun wanna be revealed as having a blog, which peeps might backtrack to = paranoia grips me before)? becoz im basically "shy"? ...
(or im just a freako-paranoid-delusional wif deep seated insecurity issues ... heh *gurgle~gurgle*)
... becoz becoz becoz ... maybe it's alla that? i refute none and offer no explanations. becoz maybe different reactions govern different blogs, i reckon (lame bailout, i know *blergh*) or somehow, the "feeling" has gotta be "right". the level of seeming intangible "comfort" has to "exist" for the words to be published in cyberspace, in a stranger's blog. tho seemingly "familiar" to you, becoz you've been reading it for ages and ya feel as if ya "know" the writer already, when in fact said writer knows you from adam! YOU DO NOT EXIST! which is scary for the writer, 'natch ... as would anyone, i suspect ...
a sudden urge to parallel MSN and/or even ICQ (both which i've not engaged in before, not ashamed to admit. heh)= the stranger/friends pseudo-dynamic, as told to me by varied friends thru the years - the seeming emmersion and evolution of online frens and the like, quite akin to forums or blogs, innit? ~ just "faster" maybe?
forums = direct connection to discussion topics / interests
blogs = direct commentary on published posts / entries
msn/icq = directpreying on unsuspecting girlies connection to frens, old and new
and we be the drones who mine the web for a feeling of acceptance and belonging, like a tribe or pack and we hunt, we gather, we maim, we slaugther, we keeeeeel ...
... okay, i exaggerate, but ya gets me meaning? ;p ... aiyah, in the end, just be thick skinned lor! ... everything's 50/50 right? reply or dun reply. "please stay" or "stay the fcuk away from me". yes or no. but "dun make a fool of yourself", innit? heh ... easier to say, harder toportray do ...
and yet after all these "years" of "online interaction experience"; when even after typing a whole para or two of comments/replies, my fingers still freeze at the "publish comments"-button ... and i delete or close window ... tho sometimes i do let go a couple or two to cyberwilderness, you'd know not it to be me ... maybe i am shy afterall ... an a lurker i'd always be ... :p
i am a late online-bloomer (if that can be called). i started getting online (and when i mean "online", i mean "actively participating" rather than just surf
the feeling is like i've intruded on some secret party/get-together. a group of peeps in their own clicks and personal built-up-comfort-zones; hanging out and chilling ... and in bursts this "stranger" ... but instead of acting like wittle kiddies in kindergarten, when taught to react to strangers with pointed fingers and shouts of "STRANGER! STRANGER!" - everyone just keeps quiet. nobody replies. nobody even acknowledges your comment, Nay, YOUR EXISTENCE! and you await with baited breath in front of your monitor, fingers poised over keys, ever ready to make a hearty and witty comeback and "hello!" ... but nothing happens for all eternity (or so it seems) and you log-off; heartbroken ... defeated ... shamed ...
yeah, does seems kinda stoopid and farnie now, dunnit? heh. truly so, truly so ... and all it took was persistence, regularity, basic online courtesy and etiquette (for which i've forgotten all, 'natch *blergh*) and a simple introduction to myself, for everyone. and things started rolling and next thing ya know? i was an online toy forum whore. standing on my own little cyberstreetcorner, plying my wares muahahahahahaha *smoke filters thru the night air underneath the flickering lampost*. i was there everyday. at work. at home. sacrificing sleep. (thank gawd i was single then) and i was "turning tricks" at many other toy forums too. i was everywhere. posting pictures of my toys and collections, making a "mark/name" for myself, making new online friends ... aaahhhhh ... those were glorious days ...
and the thing that bugged me throughout alla the time spent online, were the "other" comments usual folks might give ... like for example; someone would postup a superb looking customfigure and most replies would go along the lines of: "AWESOME!" ... "THAT'S GREAT!" ... "WOW!" ... "COOL!" ... "THAT'S AWESOME!" ... "WOW! THAT'S GREAT! COOL!" ... ya get my drift? ... and tis NOT that im an "elitist-commentator" or anything skewered like that, it's just that maybe "commenting for the sake of commenting" means naught to me ... like might as well dun comment if ya have nothing else better to say or of value to offer, innit? ... but of coz turning the tables on myself, whenever i post an image or custom figure, i'd even appreciate each and every "AWESOME/GREAT/WOW/COOL" that's plastered on the comment-fields. for perhaps that's all there is to it, a semblence of recognition for your "works", your "existence" ...
but can that be said the same for online blogs? maybe, maybe not? how much recognition do we show the blogs we read? how much do i show? obviously not a lot... heh ... becoz i've got nothing "better" to say? becoz i've got nothing to offer? becoz i have no opinions or have "no right" to opinions; becoz im a "stranger"? becoz i dun wanna feel as if im "intruding"? becoz anything i say might come across as trite and fake-o? becoz im defeated first by my own online-insecurities? becoz i dun wanna be "known" (meaning: dun wanna be revealed as having a blog, which peeps might backtrack to = paranoia grips me before)? becoz im basically "shy"? ...
... becoz becoz becoz ... maybe it's alla that? i refute none and offer no explanations. becoz maybe different reactions govern different blogs, i reckon (lame bailout, i know *blergh*) or somehow, the "feeling" has gotta be "right". the level of seeming intangible "comfort" has to "exist" for the words to be published in cyberspace, in a stranger's blog. tho seemingly "familiar" to you, becoz you've been reading it for ages and ya feel as if ya "know" the writer already, when in fact said writer knows you from adam! YOU DO NOT EXIST! which is scary for the writer, 'natch ... as would anyone, i suspect ...
a sudden urge to parallel MSN and/or even ICQ (both which i've not engaged in before, not ashamed to admit. heh)= the stranger/friends pseudo-dynamic, as told to me by varied friends thru the years - the seeming emmersion and evolution of online frens and the like, quite akin to forums or blogs, innit? ~ just "faster" maybe?
forums = direct connection to discussion topics / interests
blogs = direct commentary on published posts / entries
msn/icq = direct
... okay, i exaggerate, but ya gets me meaning? ;p ... aiyah, in the end, just be thick skinned lor! ... everything's 50/50 right? reply or dun reply. "please stay" or "stay the fcuk away from me". yes or no. but "dun make a fool of yourself", innit? heh ... easier to say, harder to
and yet after all these "years" of "online interaction experience"; when even after typing a whole para or two of comments/replies, my fingers still freeze at the "publish comments"-button ... and i delete or close window ... tho sometimes i do let go a couple or two to cyberwilderness, you'd know not it to be me ... maybe i am shy afterall ... an a lurker i'd always be ... :p
