> skin deep
there's this hokkien (chinese dialect) expression: "pek cek" (*frustrated*) and this too: "mang zang" (*irritable*) and they're oft used in the same breath, or one reacting after the other ... and sure as fcuk as i've been trying to surpress these two muthafcukers ever since the morn, i think they have finally bore thru my stubbornskull ... and im suddenly calmed in the face of it all ... which might not be a good thing ...
there's this inexplicable feeling that clings all over your body, right underneath your skin and it crawls all over with a whim and a chuckle; one moment deciding to mess with your hair and scalp - making you pull at the roots til your head hurts ... and the next; it tickles you across your shoulders and crookedback and all you can do is writhe in silent agony ... and nothing can be formed into words or even grunts of coherent "speech"; to describe exactly what it is you feel and why ... and you sleep, or try to ...
and then you awake, totally wretched and distraught (not least the squandered dream) and you decide to put it all behind you and get on with the day, ya know? "dun worry be happy" and alla that crapola, ya know? ... of coz not know it had already attached it's diseasedclaws gripped deep within your backbone and you walk around with the phantom weight still wondering like a purilefool: why the fuck's your body+head feel so muthafcuking heavy?
and ya go about your day, ya post pictures and blogs to promote the film ya worked on, ya even start attempting to be more cheery+positive (and ya know that's a downhill path for me lor) and (mayhap instead of wallowing) try to be generous and "open your arms", ya know? instead of holding yourself, protecting yourself - open your palms and maybe try to hold another's quivering shy hands, ya know? ... and then what happens? ya get fucked. or more precisely, ya let yourself get fucked. and for what? becoz ya wanna be "helpful"?
FUCK THIS SHITTE
or i supoose i had it coming lah ... i suppose it was all accumulative; the pek-cek-ness, the mang-zang-ness and all ... and ya know what? = whatever
and after alla the repressed angst bloodpumpin' fist grippin' spittle hurling, after it all imploded - ya wash it all away with a cold lonely shower, and i am now calm ... calmer ... "ish" ... and as heck as itz frustrating trying to articulate it all in this blog-of-misery, nothing but random frenzied thoughts splinter thy mind ~ which i will just let spew here regardless of consequence ...
(1) i ain't here to entertain anyone, least of all myself / dance for me
(2) as much as i would love the exposure, i sure as hell can't give twoshittes / maybe three
(3) cum one cum all, let's all be frens / my bark is worse than my bite
(4) screw consistency. refer point #1 / tis ALL consistent in the big scheme of things
(5) u think i wanna wallow in this muthafcuking shitte? ya think i like this bullshitte? fuck you very much / pls cum again soon
(6) u think u know me? u know jackfcukingSHITTE / remember the good 'ol days?
(7) i love u as much as u love me, so go jerk off and die with a smile, i care not / send me a postcard
(8) you've actually read/heard this all before? well too bad for u, innit? fuck off then / dun forget your woodenleg
(9) hey you! YEAH YOU! i ain't talking to you ... / are u talkin' ta me?
(10) wouldn't u liketa know? / i fucking would
and as sure as im Harry Lee looking thru the cracked mirror, the reflection i see is not that of my own, but of my souless future failure, made real in a distant dream so close i can taste it on my cut and bleeding cyber tongue and feel it crawling beneath my cyberskin ... or maybe im listening too much to old depeche mode again? ... you'd never really know, would you?
there's this inexplicable feeling that clings all over your body, right underneath your skin and it crawls all over with a whim and a chuckle; one moment deciding to mess with your hair and scalp - making you pull at the roots til your head hurts ... and the next; it tickles you across your shoulders and crookedback and all you can do is writhe in silent agony ... and nothing can be formed into words or even grunts of coherent "speech"; to describe exactly what it is you feel and why ... and you sleep, or try to ...
and then you awake, totally wretched and distraught (not least the squandered dream) and you decide to put it all behind you and get on with the day, ya know? "dun worry be happy" and alla that crapola, ya know? ... of coz not know it had already attached it's diseasedclaws gripped deep within your backbone and you walk around with the phantom weight still wondering like a purilefool: why the fuck's your body+head feel so muthafcuking heavy?and ya go about your day, ya post pictures and blogs to promote the film ya worked on, ya even start attempting to be more cheery+positive (and ya know that's a downhill path for me lor) and (mayhap instead of wallowing) try to be generous and "open your arms", ya know? instead of holding yourself, protecting yourself - open your palms and maybe try to hold another's quivering shy hands, ya know? ... and then what happens? ya get fucked. or more precisely, ya let yourself get fucked. and for what? becoz ya wanna be "helpful"?
FUCK THIS SHITTE
or i supoose i had it coming lah ... i suppose it was all accumulative; the pek-cek-ness, the mang-zang-ness and all ... and ya know what? = whatever
and after alla the repressed angst bloodpumpin' fist grippin' spittle hurling, after it all imploded - ya wash it all away with a cold lonely shower, and i am now calm ... calmer ... "ish" ... and as heck as itz frustrating trying to articulate it all in this blog-of-misery, nothing but random frenzied thoughts splinter thy mind ~ which i will just let spew here regardless of consequence ...
(1) i ain't here to entertain anyone, least of all myself / dance for me
(2) as much as i would love the exposure, i sure as hell can't give twoshittes / maybe three
(3) cum one cum all, let's all be frens / my bark is worse than my bite
(4) screw consistency. refer point #1 / tis ALL consistent in the big scheme of things
(5) u think i wanna wallow in this muthafcuking shitte? ya think i like this bullshitte? fuck you very much / pls cum again soon
(6) u think u know me? u know jackfcukingSHITTE / remember the good 'ol days?
(7) i love u as much as u love me, so go jerk off and die with a smile, i care not / send me a postcard
(8) you've actually read/heard this all before? well too bad for u, innit? fuck off then / dun forget your woodenleg
(9) hey you! YEAH YOU! i ain't talking to you ... / are u talkin' ta me?
(10) wouldn't u liketa know? / i fucking would
and as sure as im Harry Lee looking thru the cracked mirror, the reflection i see is not that of my own, but of my souless future failure, made real in a distant dream so close i can taste it on my cut and bleeding cyber tongue and feel it crawling beneath my cyberskin ... or maybe im listening too much to old depeche mode again? ... you'd never really know, would you?
