> age old receipes in a box
digging thru the many boxes of memories these past few days, had put a lingering question on my mind: what am i doing? and why am i doing it? ... (okay, fine ~ 2 questions :p)
"what am i searching for; by going thru the past?"
it all started with my search for mini-DV-tapes (digital -video); for which i've been recently obsessed with ~ for mucking about in my iMovie ... and the search for Neil Gaiman memorabilia; for his autograph when i convert togroupie fan-mode and line up at Borders this coming wednesday ...
finding and rediscovering old discoloured photographs in long-forgotten boxes and albums, neatly folded and faded receipts as proof of my travels, namecards of places so far away and long ago i'd forgotten where they were for, cinema ticket stubs; dating as far back as a decade, old love letters (never sent) and letters received, "couple-photos" with oldheartbreaks flames ... all that had somehow put a serene temperance to my (former) turbulent mind and heart ...
and it's a wonder what these lil boxes could hold; the stories to one's life ... scattered amongst the many myriad sized cardboard-coffins (carton-time-capsules?); a puzzle waiting to be put together; an answer to the unspoken question:
"what have i done with my life?"
tho needless to say (and i'd admit freely and openly) that i am a sentinental bloke at heart ... never wanting to throw away much (to the chargin of my family ~ as evident from the boxes piled high in my own room and in the living room :p) and the constant need to safe-keep my memories ... which brings to mind something i've often said to frens: my three greatest fears in life. and tho i'd not bother you with the first two (heh), the third one goes something like this: "i fear one day i might forget everything" ... and that much is true, either from an accident (*PUI*PUI*) or from basic-senility, it is a fear for me ... imagine not knowing who you are/were?
and no, i dun mean the "existentiality" of thy own life and meaning ... i've never taken much stock in that, stubborn arrogant-buggah that i am ... :p
... tho maybe that's what i have been doing all these while, innit? ~ plastering old photos online? writing long thesis of my past-lifetime? ... all these years of living; seemingly squandered away cluelessly and blindly ... but mayhap that wasn't all the case? maybe i just needed to remind myself of that? of all that had happened? ... trying to remember who i was/am?
and it has been a while since i've asked (myself) so many questions. any and all questions pertaining to work, career, direction, love ... muddled-up and stir-fried into some bile-byproduct i've oft hurled unto the cyberhighway, windows rolled down with my headjob sticking out; especially on this blog (imagine what else i've censored and put down in my own notebooks instead?) ... tainting my own personal health and sphere of influence with so much negativity and gloom that you could cut it with a blunt butter-knife, or scrape it off the tarmac-of-consciousness ... and it'll crumb away so; into so-much nano-scopic powder ... and still i manage to glue it all back together somehow ... and pop it right back into the frying-wok ... anyone for seconds?
no; not me, thanks.
tho easier said than done, i suppose ... this ever mortal-conundrum that tastes so vile ... and familiar ... tho of late "my tastebuds" are begining to hanker for something new, something tastier (if not fresher), but i guess before i do get to that stage, i gotta look back at the past culinary-disasters i've cookedup, before i concoct something new, innit? ... and my memories are filled with such diverse flavours ... some bitter, some sweet, tho mostly bland (tho that might actually be a fallacy, for maybe it tasted differently then, than it does now?) ... not so bad; i reckon ~ for i have indeed tasted life (my life), for as far as i have lived ... and maybe that isn't such bad a thing?
fashion-disasters inclusive *shudder*
*burp* :)
and by "recreating" and "reliving" that past (via my recent pix and vidz), can i ever hope to "re-imagine" or even "create" a new future? a new path? a new dish; to last me thru the next period of my life? ... and i rub my hands in gleeful abandon, as age-old receipes are poised in front of me ... and im out to procure fresh ingrediants ... maybe i should also consider scrub-washing my frying-wok, eh? :p
the slight irony being; im "storing" alla these thoughts and ideals up in another kind of "box", abidedly; a cyber-one ~ made of plastic and wires ...
heh :)
it all started with my search for mini-DV-tapes (digital -video); for which i've been recently obsessed with ~ for mucking about in my iMovie ... and the search for Neil Gaiman memorabilia; for his autograph when i convert to
finding and rediscovering old discoloured photographs in long-forgotten boxes and albums, neatly folded and faded receipts as proof of my travels, namecards of places so far away and long ago i'd forgotten where they were for, cinema ticket stubs; dating as far back as a decade, old love letters (never sent) and letters received, "couple-photos" with old
and it's a wonder what these lil boxes could hold; the stories to one's life ... scattered amongst the many myriad sized cardboard-coffins (carton-time-capsules?); a puzzle waiting to be put together; an answer to the unspoken question:
tho needless to say (and i'd admit freely and openly) that i am a sentinental bloke at heart ... never wanting to throw away much (to the chargin of my family ~ as evident from the boxes piled high in my own room and in the living room :p) and the constant need to safe-keep my memories ... which brings to mind something i've often said to frens: my three greatest fears in life. and tho i'd not bother you with the first two (heh), the third one goes something like this: "i fear one day i might forget everything" ... and that much is true, either from an accident (*PUI*PUI*) or from basic-senility, it is a fear for me ... imagine not knowing who you are/were?
... tho maybe that's what i have been doing all these while, innit? ~ plastering old photos online? writing long thesis of my past-lifetime? ... all these years of living; seemingly squandered away cluelessly and blindly ... but mayhap that wasn't all the case? maybe i just needed to remind myself of that? of all that had happened? ... trying to remember who i was/am?
and it has been a while since i've asked (myself) so many questions. any and all questions pertaining to work, career, direction, love ... muddled-up and stir-fried into some bile-byproduct i've oft hurled unto the cyberhighway, windows rolled down with my headjob sticking out; especially on this blog (imagine what else i've censored and put down in my own notebooks instead?) ... tainting my own personal health and sphere of influence with so much negativity and gloom that you could cut it with a blunt butter-knife, or scrape it off the tarmac-of-consciousness ... and it'll crumb away so; into so-much nano-scopic powder ... and still i manage to glue it all back together somehow ... and pop it right back into the frying-wok ... anyone for seconds?
tho easier said than done, i suppose ... this ever mortal-conundrum that tastes so vile ... and familiar ... tho of late "my tastebuds" are begining to hanker for something new, something tastier (if not fresher), but i guess before i do get to that stage, i gotta look back at the past culinary-disasters i've cookedup, before i concoct something new, innit? ... and my memories are filled with such diverse flavours ... some bitter, some sweet, tho mostly bland (tho that might actually be a fallacy, for maybe it tasted differently then, than it does now?) ... not so bad; i reckon ~ for i have indeed tasted life (my life), for as far as i have lived ... and maybe that isn't such bad a thing?
and by "recreating" and "reliving" that past (via my recent pix and vidz), can i ever hope to "re-imagine" or even "create" a new future? a new path? a new dish; to last me thru the next period of my life? ... and i rub my hands in gleeful abandon, as age-old receipes are poised in front of me ... and im out to procure fresh ingrediants ... maybe i should also consider scrub-washing my frying-wok, eh? :p
the slight irony being; im "storing" alla these thoughts and ideals up in another kind of "box", abidedly; a cyber-one ~ made of plastic and wires ...
heh :)
