> in the twilight morn
and in the end, i did go and meet my frens, saturday night ... and t'was indeed a chill time indeed and a reprieve i had been looking for (but did not really know i was) ... irony being the main dood (for which the get together was for in the first place); left 20minutes after i arrived. heh. but t'was still good and the rest of us hung around, caughtup wif each other's lives, shared views on blogging (none of them blog), media-politics and standards, music video critiques, get-rich-quick-schemes and basically male-bonding-gossips nyaknyak ;p ... and an early morning mrt+bus ride later, im back home at 8am. satisfaction. am glad. am happy.
but what faced me at home had me at a loss for words as only i can articulate here now ... remembering a weird constant gnawing before; when i was out the whole night then, that i felt i should call home ~ turned out to be something i should have "listened to" ~ in the morning twilight dim of the kitchen, the minute i got home - mum told me dad was admitted to hospital last night. the A&E at around 3am. my handphone was still down and no one could contact me ... the condition of my dad is something i am unable to explain any further until everything is confirmed ... but surffice to say, the whole day was spent to and fro~ing from GH and left everyone pretty much drained, emotionally and physically. a buildup from the past few weeks on the severe deterioration of my dad's condition, an eventuality that climaxed while i was away; chilling with my frens. but no one is to blame, for everything happens for a reason ...
seeing my dad hookedup to the oxygen machine. seeing him loose so much weight as compared to the night before i left. seeing his swollen feets that nobody (including himself) had noticed. seeing him in the the ward, still puttingup a brave front (but my dad's a trooper. he's a survivor) and being cheery, sittingupright and asking for softdrinks (of coz we said no lah!) and chatting to the other muchmucholder patients in the room. seeing the sudden fragility of the familypillar. and the skinpatches on his arms and legs that seemingly did not appear before. and remembering the past few days when we chatted and shared more than we normally did, brings nothing but agonizing; desperate tears and a sharpknife plunged deep into my heart ...
but i held everything back. swallowed my tears. be the strong eldest son to both my dad and mum. the strong elder brother to my responsible brother; whom im so veryveryproud of. and for my youngest sister, overwhelmed with this sudden news; helpless in a faraway land. i held-in; hard ... for i know im not the strongest there is (in my current state) and tis not "pride" that i feel for myself, but rather "shame", for i am helpless to do anything more ... and brings to blindinglight that even with my own current personal emo+career+financial state = is nothing compared to what really matters in the end ... nothing at all ...
had just freaked out my sis in UK with the news, and had a long fruitful and fulfilling chat with my mum just. fears were shared and tears were shed and i am emotionally drained right now; but with a renewed perspective, in both family and life ... and even love. a renewed strength and resolve (for which i will workfcukinghard to not let dissipate), for both my family and me. the long physical weekend is nothing but a good sleep would not take care of, in a way ... for at the end of the day, nothing can replace health, both physical and mental. i feel stronger. we are stronger. and we would stand together to face what tomorrow and the many tomorrows, might bring us. and i refuse to hold my breathe and sit and wait for it. i will fcuking NAILdown my barefeet to the fcuking concreteground, to brace myself against the coming stormwinds if i fcuking have to! ... ... ... strong words coming from me ... i just hope i can be strong in the days to come ... i have to be ...
the fear i have of my own deteriorating health: the highbloodpressure, the dizzyspells, the telltale symptoms of frozen+numb fingers and knees; alluding to "stroke" - strikes me to the core. i'll be 36 this september, but i feel "physically" far older than that. mentally; tis still a tussle now, "reality" versus "passion", "practicality" versus "hope" ... a struggle i dun think will be resolved anytime soon ... but there are far more important things in life right now than alla that ... there are far more important things ... but that too is something i have to take care of and soon.
but for now, all i need to do; is to "release" everything i have stored in my muckedupbrains and sleep. for tomorrow is a new day. a different day. and im sure as heck's gonna try to make it a better day, for dun we all owe it to ourselves? to the ones we love?
but what faced me at home had me at a loss for words as only i can articulate here now ... remembering a weird constant gnawing before; when i was out the whole night then, that i felt i should call home ~ turned out to be something i should have "listened to" ~ in the morning twilight dim of the kitchen, the minute i got home - mum told me dad was admitted to hospital last night. the A&E at around 3am. my handphone was still down and no one could contact me ... the condition of my dad is something i am unable to explain any further until everything is confirmed ... but surffice to say, the whole day was spent to and fro~ing from GH and left everyone pretty much drained, emotionally and physically. a buildup from the past few weeks on the severe deterioration of my dad's condition, an eventuality that climaxed while i was away; chilling with my frens. but no one is to blame, for everything happens for a reason ...
seeing my dad hookedup to the oxygen machine. seeing him loose so much weight as compared to the night before i left. seeing his swollen feets that nobody (including himself) had noticed. seeing him in the the ward, still puttingup a brave front (but my dad's a trooper. he's a survivor) and being cheery, sittingupright and asking for softdrinks (of coz we said no lah!) and chatting to the other muchmucholder patients in the room. seeing the sudden fragility of the familypillar. and the skinpatches on his arms and legs that seemingly did not appear before. and remembering the past few days when we chatted and shared more than we normally did, brings nothing but agonizing; desperate tears and a sharpknife plunged deep into my heart ...
but i held everything back. swallowed my tears. be the strong eldest son to both my dad and mum. the strong elder brother to my responsible brother; whom im so veryveryproud of. and for my youngest sister, overwhelmed with this sudden news; helpless in a faraway land. i held-in; hard ... for i know im not the strongest there is (in my current state) and tis not "pride" that i feel for myself, but rather "shame", for i am helpless to do anything more ... and brings to blindinglight that even with my own current personal emo+career+financial state = is nothing compared to what really matters in the end ... nothing at all ...
had just freaked out my sis in UK with the news, and had a long fruitful and fulfilling chat with my mum just. fears were shared and tears were shed and i am emotionally drained right now; but with a renewed perspective, in both family and life ... and even love. a renewed strength and resolve (for which i will workfcukinghard to not let dissipate), for both my family and me. the long physical weekend is nothing but a good sleep would not take care of, in a way ... for at the end of the day, nothing can replace health, both physical and mental. i feel stronger. we are stronger. and we would stand together to face what tomorrow and the many tomorrows, might bring us. and i refuse to hold my breathe and sit and wait for it. i will fcuking NAILdown my barefeet to the fcuking concreteground, to brace myself against the coming stormwinds if i fcuking have to! ... ... ... strong words coming from me ... i just hope i can be strong in the days to come ... i have to be ...
the fear i have of my own deteriorating health: the highbloodpressure, the dizzyspells, the telltale symptoms of frozen+numb fingers and knees; alluding to "stroke" - strikes me to the core. i'll be 36 this september, but i feel "physically" far older than that. mentally; tis still a tussle now, "reality" versus "passion", "practicality" versus "hope" ... a struggle i dun think will be resolved anytime soon ... but there are far more important things in life right now than alla that ... there are far more important things ... but that too is something i have to take care of and soon.
but for now, all i need to do; is to "release" everything i have stored in my muckedupbrains and sleep. for tomorrow is a new day. a different day. and im sure as heck's gonna try to make it a better day, for dun we all owe it to ourselves? to the ones we love?
