> educate me

one down. one more to go.

and in less than a week, all would disappear in a puff (i hope) and would be but "memories" of past ... the pain, the strain, the sleep-forever-lost ... and the eternal question that will forever bug my subconscious: "why the fuck do i constantly do it?"

as much as i do enjoy my work, tis also a constant bugbear; for have i not any other "options" available to me? tho i ask myself not too often that question, it does pop-up from time to time - most oft when im knee-deep in shitte lah! nahbey muahahahaha ... but the feeling of silent satisfaction overwhelms and qwells every negative (well, maybe NOT every) aspect of the job ... and i do really enjoy that feeling. the sense of achievement is something (mayhap) i've struggled with; ever since my teenage-years ...

i ain't a man of high education. i've often said (and to the irritate frens & lovers *bleh*) that i have only an 'O' level qualification. ~ "eh! i Orh Level oni leh!" ~ which is factually true. in fact, i have a "Double-'O'-Level" = meaning i repeated my secondary 4 (flopped bad first try muahahaha *bleh*) and hence my claim to satisfying the local education system stops there and then.

what i dun really mention most times, is that i graduated with a Diploma (in ID) at the now defunct-BVI (Baharuddin Vocational Institute) - under VITB (Vocational Institute of Training Board ... or sumthing like dat lah ... pre-ITE). i've oft said (in the past) that tis not really a "education" per se (re: academic systems anyways), as t'was a place for folks who couldn't study, to go and learn a trade or craft, ya know? ... "cannot use brains, then go learn to use hands lor" ... and of coz i know tis more than that lah! *DUH* - tho it was the general thinking/assumption, way back when in days of yore, before ITE made it "less a career-taboo" (am i making any sense here?) ... i say what i say (or not say?) = not becoz i am ashamed of my own education level, far from it. as proud as i am of what i have "achieved" so far without the benefit of "higher education", i know enough not to shout to the skies thine own achievements (i orso shy lah dey) = for i am not built that way, i guess ... but i reckon t'was a way to not position myself on a higher pedestal that i already sit on than what peeps (might?) think of me and what i have achieved so far in my "career".

and no i have not felt "inferior" (in regards to academic evaluation) for a long time now, to any of my other peers or frens ... you got a degree? kewl fer ya! you only study til primary six? nothing wrong with that bro! ... coz in the end, it ain't about what you have studied / learnt / memorized / regurgitated - it's about how you carried on with your life and with whatever you've had and the success that you have built and achieved, regardless of your education level. you are the man you make yourself out to be. of coz i ain't saying that higher-educated peeps are overrated, nor that less educated peeps deserve a break regardless of any given conditions ... but tis a measure of a man/woman who strives to excel and achieve what they set-out to do.

too often a times, we read in newspapers, featuring a less-educated-person achieving sucess in life. granted, it is both inspirational and yet at the same time, pseudo-condescending (in my own perverted twisted mind only lah nahbey) as the "fact" that they are less-educated; is drummed up moreso. (and of coz i could just be stirring shitte out of nothing lah). and when we read about a highly-educated person doing silly things and getting caught for it, us heartlanders (might?) smirk a smirk and think: "study so much for fuck? still turn out stupid!" muahahahaha ... and it all becomes a "us versus them" - which is essentially very silly of whomever thinks that way too lah. or to put it in another token: "the benefits of more education versus the benefit of life experience".

now, i dun claim to have experienced life in it's entirety (spl), as much as i've seen loads of shitte in my personal and work life, i reckon tis more of a humbling exprience more than anything else. i claim not to know everything, nor do i insist i am clueless in the ways of the world ... but with every step i take and with every breath, things change and "we" change, in every minute or major ways and most times we ourselves might not even be conscious of the fact. life goes on and the fear is we/i dun learn anything from the past mistakes and triumphs ... and the trudging on with life becomes a meaningless struggle against mediocrity and mundaneness, oblivious to most; really ...

and as i struggle with my own perceptions of myself (in relation to the rest of humankind) and of other people's perception of me, i know that in my heart what i have achieved ... and no one can tell me otherwise. if anyone thinks im "beneath" them, than too bad, for they will never be able to grasp the truth that is the lie that which is their lives and neither would i prove them wrong, for why should i? ... and for those who care not about mine or anyone else's "education level", then let's shake hands and share a cigarette and mayhap we might even become frens?

but stranger things have happened in life before, innit? for frens can become enemies ... and enemies can become your ally ... we can do naught but walk on in life and hopefully not be hampered by "society's norms" (which are of coz written by "man" and measured by "man") and learn to take people at their true value ... of what's in the heart, rather than what the brain stores within ... or maybe im just being too naive in the ways of the "real world"?

i do what i do becoz i love what i do. pain, strains, aches and all. and tis not to prove myself to the rest of the world who i am and can be (tho no doubt there is a smidgen of that lingering feeling, i lie to you not), tis becoz i know i am good at it and i enjoy it (as selfish as it sounds, becoz i am; in this regard) ... just hope that with my health issues; it will not be a hurdle to my dreams ... for i have big dreams and everything that happens along the way - teaches me to deal with them, exposes me to the dangers and pitfalls, reminds me of the joy and inspires me forth, humbles me day after day ...

i hate my job. and i love it to bits. i'll just haveta learn to let go, if ever the day i decide i wanna walk away from it all ... and lately i have been thinking about it seriously ... blame it on my impatience ... blame it on my impudence ... blame it on my health ... but the thought of not being able to continue doing what i love, is a hard concept to grapple with indeed, and i haveta learn to deal with the inevitable eventuality possibility ... but we shall see - for in days to come, mayhap the answer might reveal itself? (HAH! dream on fatboye!) ... and it takes not an educated person (myself) to know, that that day might come sooner than expected ... or might never even come about ... for can one ever outsmart fate and destiny? hahahahahahaaa

and life goes on ... :)