> i try and i've tried
i've been trying my darnest to keep my temper in check ...
i've been keeping myself calm and collected, in the face of unpredictability and inevitability ...
i've been silently culling my inner demons both consciously and subconsciously ...
i've been finding constant surprises in myself, for my patience in matters that would've blown a gasket in me; times past ...
i've been trying to find the humour in all of the nonsense and bile thrown against me the past coupla weeks, and being able to laugh it all off in the face of it all ...
i've been stewing a pot of "re-fried-positivity", in the face of object negativity; that which is ingrained within me ...
i've been holding-in the rage that simmers within me like a volcano waiting spew hot lava bile ...
i've been holding my tongue consciously and gripping my fists in secret ...
... andsome most days it works ...
* today was not one of those days *
... ... ...
- i've raised my voice too many a times to count today.
- i've cussed and spat venom a few times.
- i've condescended and stared down a fellow human being.
- i've broadened the distance between me and my "co-workers" today.
to wit:
- he deserved to be verbally fucked by me. *fucking-idiot* is a term we might joke about, but the term was given physical form today. i do not apologize for fucking him (verbally of coz).
- they deserved whatever expletives hurled at them today, for they might think it's a joke, but i do not. for they care only about themselves and not that of others, who will toil under them and i refuse to let them.
- he deserved it, for fcuking around. yes, my nerves are muthafucking raw now and i will not stand for tomfoolery any much longer. finger-point elsewhere some more and i will muthafucking break your fingers.
- they walk too slowly. is it my fault they cannot catch up? or am i supposed to "slow down"? we ain't on a friggin windowshoppingspree. they know not the pace in which the work needs to be done, and yet lament the situations and problems that mire from within. if they cannot solve the problems for me, i have to do so myself. and i dun have to smile when i do it.
... ... ...
i asked myself: "mayhap i should try to be more civil?"
then i tell myself: "perhaps i should control myself more."
when i know in my head and heart: "i dun have time to take anymore crap. and since you dun want to be realistic, fcuk you. my civility is not be taken advantaged of."
... ... ...
i try not to play the sympathy card. tis never been my style. tho dun play it on me. i pity no one, not least who put it upon themselves to be an empty vessel ... and empty vessels are meant to be kicked; like a stray rusted crushed tincan lying on the side of the dirtied road ... and i kick hard.
fall into a sewage drain, why doncha? please do us all a favour ...
... ... ...
blame it on lack of sleep.
blame it on the sore in my lower left lip that i've been biting on for the past coupla days, at the exact same spot.
blame it on "heatiness".
blame it on my impatience.
blame it on the spiralling blackhole the project seems to be sucked into.
blame it on my "sparkling personality", i care not.
... ... ...
but never let it be said: "i do not try", becoz i gawddamned do, even if it doesn't seem to work most of the time ...
i've been keeping myself calm and collected, in the face of unpredictability and inevitability ...
i've been silently culling my inner demons both consciously and subconsciously ...
i've been finding constant surprises in myself, for my patience in matters that would've blown a gasket in me; times past ...
i've been trying to find the humour in all of the nonsense and bile thrown against me the past coupla weeks, and being able to laugh it all off in the face of it all ...
i've been stewing a pot of "re-fried-positivity", in the face of object negativity; that which is ingrained within me ...
i've been holding-in the rage that simmers within me like a volcano waiting spew hot lava bile ...
i've been holding my tongue consciously and gripping my fists in secret ...
... and
* today was not one of those days *
... ... ...
- i've raised my voice too many a times to count today.
- i've cussed and spat venom a few times.
- i've condescended and stared down a fellow human being.
- i've broadened the distance between me and my "co-workers" today.
to wit:
- he deserved to be verbally fucked by me. *fucking-idiot* is a term we might joke about, but the term was given physical form today. i do not apologize for fucking him (verbally of coz).
- they deserved whatever expletives hurled at them today, for they might think it's a joke, but i do not. for they care only about themselves and not that of others, who will toil under them and i refuse to let them.
- he deserved it, for fcuking around. yes, my nerves are muthafucking raw now and i will not stand for tomfoolery any much longer. finger-point elsewhere some more and i will muthafucking break your fingers.
- they walk too slowly. is it my fault they cannot catch up? or am i supposed to "slow down"? we ain't on a friggin windowshoppingspree. they know not the pace in which the work needs to be done, and yet lament the situations and problems that mire from within. if they cannot solve the problems for me, i have to do so myself. and i dun have to smile when i do it.
... ... ...
i asked myself: "mayhap i should try to be more civil?"
then i tell myself: "perhaps i should control myself more."
when i know in my head and heart: "i dun have time to take anymore crap. and since you dun want to be realistic, fcuk you. my civility is not be taken advantaged of."
... ... ...
i try not to play the sympathy card. tis never been my style. tho dun play it on me. i pity no one, not least who put it upon themselves to be an empty vessel ... and empty vessels are meant to be kicked; like a stray rusted crushed tincan lying on the side of the dirtied road ... and i kick hard.
fall into a sewage drain, why doncha? please do us all a favour ...
... ... ...
blame it on lack of sleep.
blame it on the sore in my lower left lip that i've been biting on for the past coupla days, at the exact same spot.
blame it on "heatiness".
blame it on my impatience.
blame it on the spiralling blackhole the project seems to be sucked into.
blame it on my "sparkling personality", i care not.
... ... ...
but never let it be said: "i do not try", becoz i gawddamned do, even if it doesn't seem to work most of the time ...
