> 2 days hence
have not been online for the past coupla days ... events and situations i will not bother anyone much with (for now) ... but needless to say, tis been eventful ... with quite a few lines written in my wittle notebook, which are mostly not completed ... so thot might as well purge here and now (and get it over and done with, i suppose) ...
... ... ...
PAIN EDUCATION
amacabre "family outing" filled with happy smiles and witty banter, peppered with generous laughter all around ... tho an unspeakable ominousity hangs in the air ... covered subtlely but surely, least emotions are frayed and they are indeed fragile at this moment of each and all of the Heng Family's lives ... dad checked in today (saturday) at SGH ... and we are greeted with a double-paged "Pain Education" leaflet, which includes a list of facial expressions, to indicate the level of pain which the patient is experiencing; a "Pain Ruler", an important component / tool to be used, when a patient is undergoing an operation ... Stages One to Four (Mild Pain), Stages Five to Eight (Severe Pain) and Stages Nine and Ten (Pain Like Fcuk) ... the laughter lasted for only a few short moments ...
... ... ...
BLIND
all i could do was hold back my tears and fears ... mum was being strong, but the cracks are showing ... and i implode with an overwhelming sense of fear and i choke with my choked tears, tho a straightface i remain ... i have no one to hold onto. i have no one to cry to. i am alone with my family and i too try to be strong. but i know i am not strong. as much as ipretend try to be, my own cracks are bleeding internally and i de-focus myself to re-focus ... dull the heartache (which might seem to be a "transistional situation" - or so i console myself in the only way i know how to) and trudge-on with the life laid before me/us ... and my saturday's a dreamstate where reality, memories and imagined-lifescapes blend and merge in my conciousness, to become nothing but a muddled blur of shiny spots of lights ... moving incoherently within my cornea-view ... and i dare not close my eyes, for fear of being blind ...
... ... ...
BLISSED
i am in bliss. let not the dream end ... but it has. and yet the dream remains still, as an illusion for reality's amusement. and i am but a sideshow freak pandering my wares up and down an empty royal courtyard, shadowless and laughterless ... and still i smile ...
... ... ...
TWILIGHT
discussing the virtues and history of mooncakes, of where the best mooncakes are made and why and where in old chinatown - dad, mum and me had a long chat, in the twilight of the setting sunday sun, amidst the solemn hospital ward ... and the feeling is both refreshing and heartbreaking ... and i dare not eat a single mooncake, until all is well ...
... ... ...
and that's about all i could muster, given the silent screaming within my mindbile, amidst the irregular heartthumps and tired body (my shoulders' aching like a bitch again = sure sign of stress) ... and i find myself at a loss for more words ... and as i wrap up this charade of an entry, i'd wallow in my dreams and delusions and plea for rest and sleep, for tomorrow i will be alert outside my father's operating theatre, mayhap with a book to distract me and music to sooth my fears ... and straightfaced i will remain ...
... ... ...
PAIN EDUCATION
a
... ... ...
BLIND
all i could do was hold back my tears and fears ... mum was being strong, but the cracks are showing ... and i implode with an overwhelming sense of fear and i choke with my choked tears, tho a straightface i remain ... i have no one to hold onto. i have no one to cry to. i am alone with my family and i too try to be strong. but i know i am not strong. as much as i
... ... ...
BLISSED
i am in bliss. let not the dream end ... but it has. and yet the dream remains still, as an illusion for reality's amusement. and i am but a sideshow freak pandering my wares up and down an empty royal courtyard, shadowless and laughterless ... and still i smile ...
... ... ...
TWILIGHT
discussing the virtues and history of mooncakes, of where the best mooncakes are made and why and where in old chinatown - dad, mum and me had a long chat, in the twilight of the setting sunday sun, amidst the solemn hospital ward ... and the feeling is both refreshing and heartbreaking ... and i dare not eat a single mooncake, until all is well ...
... ... ...
and that's about all i could muster, given the silent screaming within my mindbile, amidst the irregular heartthumps and tired body (my shoulders' aching like a bitch again = sure sign of stress) ... and i find myself at a loss for more words ... and as i wrap up this charade of an entry, i'd wallow in my dreams and delusions and plea for rest and sleep, for tomorrow i will be alert outside my father's operating theatre, mayhap with a book to distract me and music to sooth my fears ... and straightfaced i will remain ...
