> the not-so-young and restless
the feeling of restlessness is overwhelming, even more so this hot and humid friday afternoon ... and tis been days since i've put thoughts to a semblence of tangibility (online or otherwise) and a rant is the best i could come up with?
heh. buggah that.
the week in short:
dad's out of surgery and is at home recovering. had a heart's valve replaced and a heart bypass. nasty business. heartwrenching business. and life will never be the same again ...
i have never been so emotionally vulnerable in my adult life, this past week ... but i am recovering, thank you ... tho not so much the hypertension-verdict as diagnosed by me neighbourhood polyclinic yesterday just, for which i am now officially on medication ...
buggah that.
and as much as i visit my various online depositaries, i have not the words to share nor purge ... all pentup feelings during my dad's hospitalization-period had dissipated somewhat i reckon ... given way to sadness and regret ... and a twisted enlightenment of "life" (as it were) ... of what is really important and what everything else is rubbish ... as for the true and full extent of that statement, it will be "revealed" in time ... but until then, i smile as best i can, not becoz i "have to", but becoz i "chose to", for our lives are but a mere wick, innit? a flickering flame amidst the naked elements and all it takes is a gust of waywardwinds ... am nowhere near nirvana i insist ... but ya gotta be able to recognize reality when he/she/it hits you in the face, innit? and my face is hurting so ... but still i smile :)
and i guess the "restlessness" stems from the (seeming) helplessness of it all ... to move forward, or sideways ... coz sure as heck's "moving backwards" had been the itinerary the past weeks and it is time to move on ... but my feets are somehow rooted to the ground so and the phantomweight is actually quite unbearable ... but inches are better than nothing, innit? and i inch toward the murky future; in work, in love, in life ...
or maybe tis the big three-six beckoning from amongst the dank darkness? a wrinkled and pruned finger luring me into he's embrace? HAH c'mon then? gimme yer best shot! ... or mayhap this year's birthday ain't all itz crackedup to be ... a sushi lunch is what the Heng Family has planned for the coming weekend and then we're to look for a reclining armchair for dad, as he has difficulty sleeping well and flat at night ... and with that; i sure ain't in the mood for any celebratory "festivities", innit? .... but we do make do with the best of our situation, dun we? ... and that is good enough for me :)
three. six.
*shudder*
tho tis nothing that tragic, i assure y'all ... tis nothing that dramamama ... tis "just a number"; as peeps are wont to say ... tho the "reality of the situation" at hand ain't hunky-dory, innit? ... but in reality; it is. for my dad is safetly out and recovering now and mayhap, that's really all that matters, innit? and all i haveta contend with; personnally, is a number? fuck that, innit? ahahahahaha .... and i let the low-hum filter thru my inner ear .... or was that a soft fluttering in my heart? hhhmmm ....
i reckon tis time to dust away the cobwebbs of hermitdom and venture back into the world ... coffee, anyone?
heh. buggah that.
the week in short:
dad's out of surgery and is at home recovering. had a heart's valve replaced and a heart bypass. nasty business. heartwrenching business. and life will never be the same again ...
i have never been so emotionally vulnerable in my adult life, this past week ... but i am recovering, thank you ... tho not so much the hypertension-verdict as diagnosed by me neighbourhood polyclinic yesterday just, for which i am now officially on medication ...
buggah that.
and as much as i visit my various online depositaries, i have not the words to share nor purge ... all pentup feelings during my dad's hospitalization-period had dissipated somewhat i reckon ... given way to sadness and regret ... and a twisted enlightenment of "life" (as it were) ... of what is really important and what everything else is rubbish ... as for the true and full extent of that statement, it will be "revealed" in time ... but until then, i smile as best i can, not becoz i "have to", but becoz i "chose to", for our lives are but a mere wick, innit? a flickering flame amidst the naked elements and all it takes is a gust of waywardwinds ... am nowhere near nirvana i insist ... but ya gotta be able to recognize reality when he/she/it hits you in the face, innit? and my face is hurting so ... but still i smile :)
and i guess the "restlessness" stems from the (seeming) helplessness of it all ... to move forward, or sideways ... coz sure as heck's "moving backwards" had been the itinerary the past weeks and it is time to move on ... but my feets are somehow rooted to the ground so and the phantomweight is actually quite unbearable ... but inches are better than nothing, innit? and i inch toward the murky future; in work, in love, in life ...
or maybe tis the big three-six beckoning from amongst the dank darkness? a wrinkled and pruned finger luring me into he's embrace? HAH c'mon then? gimme yer best shot! ... or mayhap this year's birthday ain't all itz crackedup to be ... a sushi lunch is what the Heng Family has planned for the coming weekend and then we're to look for a reclining armchair for dad, as he has difficulty sleeping well and flat at night ... and with that; i sure ain't in the mood for any celebratory "festivities", innit? .... but we do make do with the best of our situation, dun we? ... and that is good enough for me :)
three. six.
*shudder*
tho tis nothing that tragic, i assure y'all ... tis nothing that dramamama ... tis "just a number"; as peeps are wont to say ... tho the "reality of the situation" at hand ain't hunky-dory, innit? ... but in reality; it is. for my dad is safetly out and recovering now and mayhap, that's really all that matters, innit? and all i haveta contend with; personnally, is a number? fuck that, innit? ahahahahaha .... and i let the low-hum filter thru my inner ear .... or was that a soft fluttering in my heart? hhhmmm ....
i reckon tis time to dust away the cobwebbs of hermitdom and venture back into the world ... coffee, anyone?
