> missing wednesday
twelve midnight; at the stroke of a new thursday - here i sit, finally lucid and awake (or as close as i've been in the past 24hours) and having a mild attack of desperateness and helplessness, shaken'n'stirred with a glimmer of nonchalance, that belies my filtered state of consciousness ... or maybe it's becoz i've yet to have my dinner ... or even lunch, for that matter ...
t'was as if wednesday didn't happen.
t'was as if a crushed-velvet bag of unconsciousness was cupped over my head and wrapped snug-tight; where all i breathed was sleepdust and fairie whisperings of *sleepsleepsleep* ... and like that; i was out of it, for the entire day ... i could keep barely awake for a prolonged span of time, to even read the newspapers, or have half a breakfast of bread with peanutbutter, butter and kaya with half-closed eyes, or anything else for that matter ... i was downforthecount and i know not why ... recovering from the weekend shoot? body basically shutting-down? or escaping from current reality? ... regardless of whatever questions and answers that plague me, i couldn't answer them today, or even now ... for my mind can only focus on spewing alla these out and it's the single most hardest thing i've done for the past 30-over hours ... dammit.
i have faint recollections of random activities happening tho, like receiving phone messages and not being able to react to them (not physically anyways) ... and even logging-on to check emails and blogs - which i can't remember ever reading them, nor of replying emails (which i had not), tho everything that i am remembering now, still had that tinge of deja-vu hovering over them, like a ever-slightly-twisted version of the feeling i had the night-before ... the only two times when i was conscious of my consciousness; was (1) when i suddenly remembered i had quotations to do and props to source out (for a job i was sorta shanghai-ed into), and (2) i needed to go for my medical follow-up ... both of which i had not and eventually did not do ... and hence writing about it now actually helps it not one iota, for if only to remind myself of what i had not done and of the possible consequences i had to face in the next coupla of days ... what the fcuk have i gotten myself into?
can't really do a anything about it now, innit? oh fer shure i could carry on and sacrifice a few minutes/hours of my time to get my shitte together and in order (seeing that i could still write this incoherent blog entry, innit?) and finish up what there needs to be done, innit? ... but something's holding me back ...
lethargy?
laziness?
stubborness?
escapism?
and maybe, it's alla that ... or maybe tis "my mind" trying to tell me something? trying to warn me of something? ... sure as my guts' telling me to stop and walk away from "the job" ... tho this time, it ain't about the job that's worrying me; tis about me that worries "me" ... dammit ...
and i so do wanna close my eyes again now, and not think a single thing, not worry about a single problem, and just lay myself down to bed ... for i have a n early-morning location-recce tomorrow and have emails and quotations to rush out before that ... which i am still refusing to do now ... and suddenly i wish for an art or administrative assistant for alla these things, i wish there would be someone else to "take care of these business/admin-bullshittethings" while i can just concentrate on my art direction and "creation" (rather than "creating paperwork") ... and yes, i would indeed be very happy ... dammit.
or at the very least, there'll be someone to remind me of what i had missed on a wednesday, that has seemed to have escaped my reality's grip, for i am too tired and lazy to think now ... or even to continue with this monologue-that-which-is-my-blog ... fcuk.
t'was as if wednesday didn't happen.
t'was as if a crushed-velvet bag of unconsciousness was cupped over my head and wrapped snug-tight; where all i breathed was sleepdust and fairie whisperings of *sleepsleepsleep* ... and like that; i was out of it, for the entire day ... i could keep barely awake for a prolonged span of time, to even read the newspapers, or have half a breakfast of bread with peanutbutter, butter and kaya with half-closed eyes, or anything else for that matter ... i was downforthecount and i know not why ... recovering from the weekend shoot? body basically shutting-down? or escaping from current reality? ... regardless of whatever questions and answers that plague me, i couldn't answer them today, or even now ... for my mind can only focus on spewing alla these out and it's the single most hardest thing i've done for the past 30-over hours ... dammit.i have faint recollections of random activities happening tho, like receiving phone messages and not being able to react to them (not physically anyways) ... and even logging-on to check emails and blogs - which i can't remember ever reading them, nor of replying emails (which i had not), tho everything that i am remembering now, still had that tinge of deja-vu hovering over them, like a ever-slightly-twisted version of the feeling i had the night-before ... the only two times when i was conscious of my consciousness; was (1) when i suddenly remembered i had quotations to do and props to source out (for a job i was sorta shanghai-ed into), and (2) i needed to go for my medical follow-up ... both of which i had not and eventually did not do ... and hence writing about it now actually helps it not one iota, for if only to remind myself of what i had not done and of the possible consequences i had to face in the next coupla of days ... what the fcuk have i gotten myself into?
can't really do a anything about it now, innit? oh fer shure i could carry on and sacrifice a few minutes/hours of my time to get my shitte together and in order (seeing that i could still write this incoherent blog entry, innit?) and finish up what there needs to be done, innit? ... but something's holding me back ...
lethargy?
laziness?
stubborness?
escapism?
and maybe, it's alla that ... or maybe tis "my mind" trying to tell me something? trying to warn me of something? ... sure as my guts' telling me to stop and walk away from "the job" ... tho this time, it ain't about the job that's worrying me; tis about me that worries "me" ... dammit ...
and i so do wanna close my eyes again now, and not think a single thing, not worry about a single problem, and just lay myself down to bed ... for i have a n early-morning location-recce tomorrow and have emails and quotations to rush out before that ... which i am still refusing to do now ... and suddenly i wish for an art or administrative assistant for alla these things, i wish there would be someone else to "take care of these business/admin-
or at the very least, there'll be someone to remind me of what i had missed on a wednesday, that has seemed to have escaped my reality's grip, for i am too tired and lazy to think now ... or even to continue with this monologue-that-which-is-my-blog ... fcuk.
