off the wagon
i dunno when was it exactly that i stopped smoking; 4 weeks or so ago ... just that one day, after my last stick of cigarette, i upped and decided not to buy a new pack. just like that.
t'was in reaction to my declining health (highblood pressure) and financial issues (they're getting gawddamned expensive dey)which i have gone on til end in this here blog. and also "personal issues" and of not wanting to have "cigarette breath" ... heh :p
and here i am, 4+weeks later, in the damp of a rainy tuesday afternoon; lightingup a stick of menthol-lights ... hands still shaking violently/quivering from the surprise, anger and eventually sadness; over a situation that hit me from left-flank and soon spiralled out of control. or at least i was not able to control and sustain my patience ... and i am left dazed and lifeless all over again ... the days of doom and gloom swiftly hung over my head again; like a brewing stormcloud ... days that i thought were behind me.
i do not want to feel shit about myself. i do not want to be sullen and be a slave to inertia again. and i try not to. i want to try ... but i guess i have always been, inside; a slave to my own devices and defences ... and when there seems a ray of sunshine shining forth?inevitably the stormclouds would follow ... and i am suddenly not equipped to handle the downpour ... standing in the harsh pelting rain, i had to seek shelter ... i had to disappear.
oh, how far i have fallen.
and why am i here pouring out my crud when i should be addressing the situation upfront? becoz i do not want to be caught in a situation where my demons run forth again ... and they be stubborn-demons, lemme tell you ... demons who defend my integrity and mind ... and in the heat of the situation, nobody will come away unscathed. inaively optimistically tell myself: "wait for the storm to die down first" (but i know not if that will work at all ...) and hence i am here, sadly; to mull over the state of affairs that has left me wanting ... and i am lost yet again ...
the first stick tasted foreign.
the second; somewhat familiar.
by the 5th stick; i am sombre and sullen ... and i am "home" again ...
._.
t'was in reaction to my declining health (highblood pressure) and financial issues (they're getting gawddamned expensive dey)
and here i am, 4+weeks later, in the damp of a rainy tuesday afternoon; lightingup a stick of menthol-lights ... hands still shaking violently/quivering from the surprise, anger and eventually sadness; over a situation that hit me from left-flank and soon spiralled out of control. or at least i was not able to control and sustain my patience ... and i am left dazed and lifeless all over again ... the days of doom and gloom swiftly hung over my head again; like a brewing stormcloud ... days that i thought were behind me.
i do not want to feel shit about myself. i do not want to be sullen and be a slave to inertia again. and i try not to. i want to try ... but i guess i have always been, inside; a slave to my own devices and defences ... and when there seems a ray of sunshine shining forth?
oh, how far i have fallen.
and why am i here pouring out my crud when i should be addressing the situation upfront? becoz i do not want to be caught in a situation where my demons run forth again ... and they be stubborn-demons, lemme tell you ... demons who defend my integrity and mind ... and in the heat of the situation, nobody will come away unscathed. i
the first stick tasted foreign.
the second; somewhat familiar.
by the 5th stick; i am sombre and sullen ... and i am "home" again ...
._.
