a year into my life and of the rules of engagement
i remember this time last year (14th October 2004) pretty well.
i had just finished a 3-week reservist stint (ending on the 13th) and had gone back to camp the very next day (14th) for my FFI Phase One Blood Test. "Fit For Infantry" is a Mandatory Test for any adult males servingPUI the army (in any capacity), to be taken before the age of 35. i had just turned 35 a coupla weeks before.
and on this day of the 14th of October, 2005 = exactly a year after said blood test and having since passed the 36-year-old-mark, i have yet to called back to complete my FFI-Test. and all i can do is shake my head and grip my hands in silent anger ...fuck 'em all we shall see what this'll lead to ... and sure as heck i ain't gonna be anyone's scapegoat, innit? slackfuckers alla them *eyes dart wildly from side to side*
i remember the day, coz it was at the tailend of a broken-relationship a coupla weeks prior, where i had nary the solace of the regime of the "military-life" (*hurl*) that was the reservist-stint-prior; to distract me and mybroken heart ... and i was thrown callously back out into the wilderness ... and yeah, so the melodrama ends ... :p
at this junture, i'd liketa share here what was written on my multiply journals; exactly (sorta) a year ago ... read-on:
.....................................................................................................
~ Start Journal ~
20.09 - 13.10.2004 ... the "lost weeks"
what is it about the human condition and the relationship-dynamics between humans; that continues to confound and confuse me so? Dropped into a group of strangers, for three weeks - my plan was to go in, do my duty and fuck-off; quietly and undetected. It was not meant to be.
Faced with a shared task and toil, we "bonded" quickly. Strangers with names and characters revealed. We sleep. We played. We watched videos. We did sentry duty. Together. "Plan : Keep-Quiet" gave way to "Project : Bwahahaha". i know now what my purpose in life is (or at least one of it) = itz to entertain. and i do it in spades! hahaha from impersonations to audio-porn, we shared and we laughed. Was it a ruse to cover my sadnessof a broken heart ? Maybe it was. Was it a ploy to gain acceptance? Doubt so. But it was all good. Maybe i just "grew up". Maybe i just "chilled". Maybe itz becoz i was one of the older ones among the group! DAMN! hahaha what a wake-up call! Younger dudes wif families to go back home to; after duty, while i rode the mrt from boon lay to pasir ris, discman in hand, joss stone in ear ... itz all surprisingly good! or is it? i ask not anymore. just "be".
Said my first prayer (for somemone else other than for myself) to the Lord during this time. No, im not a christian, and wif what had happened during these times, it just brings me further away from Him, but i digress ... the clarity and peace that came after that was refreshing tho! Zen-like calm. Weird. But cool.
But what is it about the human's capacity to KILL? Walked around with 30 rounds of bullets everyday. SHOOT TO KILL. we even had the license to do it! the "Rules Of Engagement"-card; in our pockets always. Wow. what a rush! ... but to be told to KILL? WTF? what makes u think we CAN shoot to kill, when we have to? JUST LIKE THAT? fucking-brainwash us first lah! which is ironic, in a perverse way, i guess... for when the weapon and opportunity is put into our hands, we have to choose. to decide our course of action.
And when we are backed into a corner, of our sanity and our lives... we too have to choose ... to shoot or to walk away ... but to know our choices is OURS to make and the consequence is ours to face alone ... maybe the decision is more obvious then we'll like to think, to accept. To do. To "be". And that is a comforting thought ... or is it?
> check out above pix - taken of "Group A", in the "commercial installation" that we were "guarding"(already a BOGUS task upon itself) ... so much for "security" eh? BWAHAHAHAHAHA the irony is so thick u can piss on it ;p
~ End Journal ~
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and a year later, tis the anger of thestupidity ineptitude of the army that gets to me more, than that of the faded-heartache ... *twitch~twitch*
whatevah lah, huh? muah-ha-ha :p
i had just finished a 3-week reservist stint (ending on the 13th) and had gone back to camp the very next day (14th) for my FFI Phase One Blood Test. "Fit For Infantry" is a Mandatory Test for any adult males serving
and on this day of the 14th of October, 2005 = exactly a year after said blood test and having since passed the 36-year-old-mark, i have yet to called back to complete my FFI-Test. and all i can do is shake my head and grip my hands in silent anger ...
i remember the day, coz it was at the tailend of a broken-relationship a coupla weeks prior, where i had nary the solace of the regime of the "military-life" (*hurl*) that was the reservist-stint-prior; to distract me and my
at this junture, i'd liketa share here what was written on my multiply journals; exactly (sorta) a year ago ... read-on:
~ Start Journal ~
20.09 - 13.10.2004 ... the "lost weeks"
what is it about the human condition and the relationship-dynamics between humans; that continues to confound and confuse me so? Dropped into a group of strangers, for three weeks - my plan was to go in, do my duty and fuck-off; quietly and undetected. It was not meant to be.
Faced with a shared task and toil, we "bonded" quickly. Strangers with names and characters revealed. We sleep. We played. We watched videos. We did sentry duty. Together. "Plan : Keep-Quiet" gave way to "Project : Bwahahaha". i know now what my purpose in life is (or at least one of it) = itz to entertain. and i do it in spades! hahaha from impersonations to audio-porn, we shared and we laughed. Was it a ruse to cover my sadness
Said my first prayer (for somemone else other than for myself) to the Lord during this time. No, im not a christian, and wif what had happened during these times, it just brings me further away from Him, but i digress ... the clarity and peace that came after that was refreshing tho! Zen-like calm. Weird. But cool.
But what is it about the human's capacity to KILL? Walked around with 30 rounds of bullets everyday. SHOOT TO KILL. we even had the license to do it! the "Rules Of Engagement"-card; in our pockets always. Wow. what a rush! ... but to be told to KILL? WTF? what makes u think we CAN shoot to kill, when we have to? JUST LIKE THAT? fucking-brainwash us first lah! which is ironic, in a perverse way, i guess... for when the weapon and opportunity is put into our hands, we have to choose. to decide our course of action.
And when we are backed into a corner, of our sanity and our lives... we too have to choose ... to shoot or to walk away ... but to know our choices is OURS to make and the consequence is ours to face alone ... maybe the decision is more obvious then we'll like to think, to accept. To do. To "be". And that is a comforting thought ... or is it?
> check out above pix - taken of "Group A", in the "commercial installation" that we were "guarding"
~ End Journal ~
.....................................................................................................
and a year later, tis the anger of the
whatevah lah, huh? muah-ha-ha :p
