the year of the rat

golden and scarlet paper, plastic and plushed Rats and Mice adorn Chinese
households this festive season the world over, copyright be darned! LOL

here's hoping everyone celebrating Chinese New Year will have /
have had a Peaceful and Enjoyable CNY-Eve Reunion Dinner :)

the Year of the Rat has a multitude of very personal (new) meanings, this particular Chinese Lunar New Year, starting with my struggle with leaving the Celluloid Rat Race which has been the major force in my life-decisions this past 14-odd years (my former motto: "my job is my life"), and this year's the year i learn to say; NO (tho not totally, as i still have my film-students), even with unresolved shadows perpetually looming overhead still, but alas am unable to see to the bittersweet end, and perhaps may never will (until a good script comes a'knocking, perhaps :p) ... the desire to carve out a new path is even stronger, and i can only but hope and try to weather the uncertainties of the hazy future ... recognizing that blogging; tho feeds my soul and creative needs, feeds not my physical being ... so i may haveta put on a game-face real soon, becoz sure as heck's the last thing i wanna do is don a Rat-Mask, yo!

admittedly, the intangible strain has begun affecting my blogging habits and "quality", of late - with my posts becoming increasing flaccid and bland (against my own expectations) and i reckon there may come a time when i need to climb up the cyber-mountains to practice my "kung fu" in solitude, and improve myself before i dare venture back into the bloggolistic world ... but then again, im not one to be a rat abandoning a sinking ship! so i'll still frantically bucket away the excess flooding water, and can only hope folks around can help me pass the bucket :p

not that i have not been training at all, mind - altho i may not be a kungfu-expert like Master Rat Splinter, so too have i been training my Zen-Fu, which unfortunately has been left wanting, anger management skills flung out the open window on occasion, most times becoz of my re-aquired impatience towards slow download speeds! (damn the obvious pattern emerging). im a twitchy rat waiting for the upload-status-bar to fulfil my phantom desires (wait ... that came out sounding pretty *wrong*... heh)

and i've recently been reading more than i have been blogging, which also means the most used item on my worktop is my Apple-Mouse (... yes, the literary-strain is starting to show and im reaching ... no worries, it'll all end very soon now *heh*)

i reckon the most "life-altering" circumstance for me, is that this past coupla years has also seen myself holed-up like a rat, hermitization in full-effect, which unintentionally (or perhaps was preordained) parlays into saving finances i do not possess ("don't leave the house, don't need to spend") and streamlining of "friends" and casual-acquaintances to a manageable level (the lack of "personal-commitment" is very "freeing", in a selfish+warped way :p) ... and maybe even living as a rat does; as well, feeding myself whatever is palatable, not overindulging in excess as i have had in "my previous life" ... and i look at what's happening to the world, the anger, the violence, natural disasters and the mind-boggling de-evolution of humanity, it'll scare even the bravest of rats back into it's hole! (only peeking out thru the dusty cyber-blinds :p).

some days i feel like a Lab Rat, being experimented on, by myself! which is by far the coolest notion put into motion in my adult-life, and that (most days) balances out most negatives permeating in the choked air. the "freedom" to try anything is a feeling hard to describe in coherent sentences. and i am just glad that i'm only having trouble trying to describe what it feels like, rather than trying to describe what it is im missing in life, you know? heh.

of coz i miss money. of coz i miss the ability to "spend". i miss living it up and living large-(ish), but ya know what, sometimes tis good being the Under-Rat. the little mangy-thing no one notices ... this way any effort to affect change could be put into effect, without undue hue and cry, to hopefully improve the little things along the way ... but before i venture forth to attempt that, i reckon i'd better keep my own house (or hole) in order first, yeh?

as i scamper about to get my tasks up and completed, here's wishing everyone reading thus far (bless your patience and for indulging in my incessantness :p) a Safe and Peaceful Festive Season ahead!

Happy New Year Y'all!
Andy / Toysrevil