> a lao-hiao sucked dry
bumped into a reservist dude while i was out today (after viewing the offline-edit of a teevee program which im supposed to direct for; next weekend). dude just said "hi", chatted a wee and ran away so fast, i thot he think i was gonna grope his ass or something like dat! (and NO i wasn't and YES im straight gawddammit! ) ...anyways... it got me thinking and wondering a bit ...
last we spoke was for a reservist stint late last year, (it was my make-up training, hence not my usual batch of kakis - and NO it wasn't about cosmetics!) and he spoke in length about the burdens he had as a father of two. the monthly bills he had to face. the car payments. the house and utilities. providing for his kids. wife was working part-time to supplement the household expenditure and what not. and about the lack of freedom he has now and that ironically (and im sure for alotta folks out there) "reservist/yearly in-camp" was the only pseudo-free-time he could afford! and he is just about a year younger than me. and seems age was the only thing we had in common.
he couldn't fanthom the life i was leading. the "glamorous" life in media (which is of coz, truly FCUKINGFALSE! - wherez me hot young chicks? wherez me free movie tix? wherez me bigbucks? *PUI*). of the many feature films and teevee shows i've done. and that i still wore bermudas and teeshirts everywhere i went. booking-in to the camp was always a laff-riot, as dudes with incredulous looks scanned me like a weirdo with a beard (which i always haveta shave when i start any in-camp training, but eventually just let it grow out - and they grow fast muahahahaha) and ear-ring and addidas = not that strange what, right?
but mayhaps for these working parent dudes, it is. mayhap it is a reflection of their younger days they miss or wished for? or mayhaps they're having a good 'ol time laughing at my expense; at this *Lao-Hiao lor! (*Vain-Old-Slut) whatever the case may be, i myself am amazed at the weird non-parallels...
here i am, a 35-y/o burnt-out heterosexual man, single and pathetically near broke. something's very wrong with this picture, innit? should i've been married? with a kid or two? thriving in my career i hate? driving a car i can't afford (which won't ever happen - becoz i dun drive! HAH!) and living in a house i dun own and yet haveta pay rent every month? FCUKDATSHITTE! ... i look back into my life and remember the coupla times where i nearly did walk down the aisle (close but not that close lah) and i look at myself in the mirror now ... and i sigh a sigh of relief.
tis not my time yet. :)
/today was a simple day. slept at 6am in the morning (becoz i was watching the phantom menace and attack of the clones back-to-back *urghz*) and woke up at 1130 for a meeting at 1pm. meeting ended at 3 whereby i had my first meal of the day and that was it. a lastminute plan to watch revenge of the sith wif my boys (and with that i mean "guys that used to work with me") was thwarted becoz all tix were soldout and i was so fcuking relieved! becoz i was so muthafucking tired itz scaring me to the core! i could barely stay awake and to even liftup me spoon to eat! the train ride home was hell, with a shitty lil restless kid sitting beside me and an asshole who couldn't sit still, on the other. and now barely an hour at home, at 6pm with the rain pouring mercilessly outside, i feel my joints and bones begin to ache. WAHRAOEH! KNN SIAH! ... not farnie lor ... *sigh*
so where does all that bring me? nowhere. no sense of relief after purging this all out. no sense of vindication at all of the life i've led. nothing. an emptied pained heart still. a space where once creativity reigned, but now a vaccum. a lonely stick of cigarette sitting on a rusted ashtray. used and abused. suck me dry, why doncha? and chuck me away afters, i care not ...
but i knock not my life. tis a life given to me by another. for tis my own life that i lead, good or bad. bliss or pain. peace or anguish. and seems no one else can tell me otherwise. not even myself. im just too tired to.
last we spoke was for a reservist stint late last year, (it was my make-up training, hence not my usual batch of kakis - and NO it wasn't about cosmetics!) and he spoke in length about the burdens he had as a father of two. the monthly bills he had to face. the car payments. the house and utilities. providing for his kids. wife was working part-time to supplement the household expenditure and what not. and about the lack of freedom he has now and that ironically (and im sure for alotta folks out there) "reservist/yearly in-camp" was the only pseudo-free-time he could afford! and he is just about a year younger than me. and seems age was the only thing we had in common.
he couldn't fanthom the life i was leading. the "glamorous" life in media (which is of coz, truly FCUKINGFALSE! - wherez me hot young chicks? wherez me free movie tix? wherez me bigbucks? *PUI*). of the many feature films and teevee shows i've done. and that i still wore bermudas and teeshirts everywhere i went. booking-in to the camp was always a laff-riot, as dudes with incredulous looks scanned me like a weirdo with a beard (which i always haveta shave when i start any in-camp training, but eventually just let it grow out - and they grow fast muahahahaha) and ear-ring and addidas = not that strange what, right?
but mayhaps for these working parent dudes, it is. mayhap it is a reflection of their younger days they miss or wished for? or mayhaps they're having a good 'ol time laughing at my expense; at this *Lao-Hiao lor! (*Vain-Old-Slut) whatever the case may be, i myself am amazed at the weird non-parallels...
here i am, a 35-y/o burnt-out heterosexual man, single and pathetically near broke. something's very wrong with this picture, innit? should i've been married? with a kid or two? thriving in my career i hate? driving a car i can't afford (which won't ever happen - becoz i dun drive! HAH!) and living in a house i dun own and yet haveta pay rent every month? FCUKDATSHITTE! ... i look back into my life and remember the coupla times where i nearly did walk down the aisle (close but not that close lah) and i look at myself in the mirror now ... and i sigh a sigh of relief.
tis not my time yet. :)
/today was a simple day. slept at 6am in the morning (becoz i was watching the phantom menace and attack of the clones back-to-back *urghz*) and woke up at 1130 for a meeting at 1pm. meeting ended at 3 whereby i had my first meal of the day and that was it. a lastminute plan to watch revenge of the sith wif my boys (and with that i mean "guys that used to work with me") was thwarted becoz all tix were soldout and i was so fcuking relieved! becoz i was so muthafucking tired itz scaring me to the core! i could barely stay awake and to even liftup me spoon to eat! the train ride home was hell, with a shitty lil restless kid sitting beside me and an asshole who couldn't sit still, on the other. and now barely an hour at home, at 6pm with the rain pouring mercilessly outside, i feel my joints and bones begin to ache. WAHRAOEH! KNN SIAH! ... not farnie lor ... *sigh*
so where does all that bring me? nowhere. no sense of relief after purging this all out. no sense of vindication at all of the life i've led. nothing. an emptied pained heart still. a space where once creativity reigned, but now a vaccum. a lonely stick of cigarette sitting on a rusted ashtray. used and abused. suck me dry, why doncha? and chuck me away afters, i care not ...
but i knock not my life. tis a life given to me by another. for tis my own life that i lead, good or bad. bliss or pain. peace or anguish. and seems no one else can tell me otherwise. not even myself. im just too tired to.
