> rest for the damned
slept near 11hours uninterrupted (save for a morning pee~call) and im still gawddamned tired, if not more so. could never fathom the human condition such as it is. "sleep" has become such an easier way to "pass time". closing your eyes and awakening to find a "new life" that inevitably doesn't happen ~ only that your life has slipped away; hours on end, and somehow that seems a tad comforting (in a perverse way) than just sitting and wallowing in the misery that surrounds your waking-life ... but of coz thatz just me and long have i gotten over the twistedglory of saidwallowing in mindshitte, but still it appears before us/me everysinglemoment and can only but grasp onto fleeting victories and moments of bliss before they slip thru your fingers and devolved into pathetic laments ... and i can try to do is to maintain a stoic appearance and stance to it all. for what else can i do?
"convert negative energy to positive pursuits? pick up a hobby? pick up a new sport? channel your energy into something new; something more productive?" = easier said than done folks. if only i were as strongwilled as i was in my glorydays. but then my "glorydays" were filled with nothing but WORKWORKWORK and now that i've grown extremely tired of the working regime; where i wanna pursue my own personal joys and discoveries, i am still hampered by the chains of survival and the veil of reality and prudent practicality that blinds me again so. not a single moment of "creation" as i attempt them, where the gnawing clawing scrapping@theskin-feelings of "guilt" is not lingering over/behind/all-over me like maggots on decayingflesh! ... and i oft times find myself frozen in motion, with pencil in hand, with images waiting to be raped in photoshop on my Mac-screen; holding my fcuking breath. nahbey. the only consolation/release is me churning out words in my blog. somehow easier and most times as if im speaking to myself; a new "skill" developed recently i guess hahahaha NOT that i do not acknowledge the existence of my online reader-frens, ya? i do appreciate you dudes and dudettes dropping by ever so often ... just apologetic that i've not much positive happenings to relate, ya know? hahahaha
share to show you care .... heh :)
been reading about the existence of blogs and/or the "re-emergence" of blogging; especially in singapore and the sudden brouhaha surrounding it all, brings nothing but a smirk to my face. blogging has suddenly become the new buzzword in singapore and everybody suddenly has something to say about it! and EVERYONE knows how singapore responds to BUZZWORDS = tis becoz we have no life outside of what the media forcefeeds us (generalizing of coz) where we turn into lifeless xeroxclones and hence when we USE said BUZZWORDS, we are HIP. we are CONNECTED. we are "viable"?
while a mere 4months ago when i started this blogspot, t'was still seemingly an "underground-secret" (my own feelings) of some weird sorts. where bloggers had the www to "themselves" (for years) and now? POW! media coverage has suddenly glammed it all up and somehow (in my own fervid mind) diluted the whole darn thing. why must an emphasis of "hipness" and "edgy" be ever attached to an activity? why must there ever be fcuking "labels"? "diatrist" (spl) or whatnot? easy = tis for folks who dunno what "blogging" is, to be able to "understand" and "label acccordingly" and to be easier to "jump on the runaway train". lickety-split. a fashionfad it has become. hence = dilution. im just fcuking glad i exist not in the blogging world ~ to only a select few tho, and i am happy for now :)
flashback: when i "officially" started "blogging" back in September of '04 on multiply, i had only a fleeting idea of what a "blog" was. i had read some (and forgotten them) and had not thought much of it. my initial perception was: why are these peeps baring their life and secrets to the friggin' public? mediawhores? or merely asking for help? no life izzit? yes, i was judgemental and uninitiated, i admit. and when i started my "journal" on multiply (not named "blog" mind you. heh) it somehow seemed "different", altho it was obviously the fcuking same thing, innit? muahahahahaha ~ but for the power of ignorance and mere words, i was drawn to it all. and the next thing i knew: i was baring my life out into the public! nahbey. tho the thing about multiply was: it was mostly made up of regular friends initially and eventually it became increasingly difficult to bare everything that i had wanted to. too close for comfort. peeps were begining to use my words against me. no examples will be given im afraid, but surffice to say, i could not remain my "voice" uncensored in multiply for long.
hence my blogspot here. which was started for three reasons:
(1) i wanted somewhere totally anonymous to rant rave bitch whine and say WHATEVER THE FCUK I WANTED. without "reprisal" somehow, for i am not ignorant of the fact about "freedom of speech" ~ less that we think we have it and fight for it, but more for the reality that there will be "other people" who'll pervert your words and intentions for their own selfish purposes, regardless of your rights! heck, "real life" (ie. work, relationships) had proven time and again this'll inevitably happen! so what difference would a "private blog" be to them? would they ever adhere to the "rules"? not that it'll become a "us" versus "them" (tho i dare not claim to be an "us" in the first place) but time and situation will show themselves inevitably. tis not about "being negative", tis about being "aware" IMHO and the responsilities and consequences that comes with it. and itz not too old a news, innit? = something which'll plague blogs more so in the near future (if not NOW) when the mediacircus comes to town and the "customers" wanna start sueing (spl) everyother "performer" becoz they agree not with what they had come for ...
(2) i had suddenly found an avenue for "creation", more-so than "expression". i started this blog with more wannabe-prose+words than what is eventually now a diary of my mindfuck and misery. i had enjoyed so much more then, regardless of the "result". i've always loved "writing" prior but had been hampered by my own insecurities of my "ability". tho tis not to say i think i write well now, but more so i feel more comfortable writing. does that make any sense? HAH! i dun even care much if it doesn't anymore! ahahahahaha - for i write for myself first and foremost, more than having a desire to "entertain others" ... but sometimes i do try, not becoz i haveta, but becoz i want to. and that; to me, is the pure beauty of "blogging" IMHO.
(3) i started this blog becoz i was in love.
/surfing thru my various online identities via multiply and moblog and emails, i find myself "connected" to "humanity" only thru electronic means and that is silently saddening. and oft times with onlinepeeps i've never met in person. such irony, for i have lamented in the past about "not being able to truly connect person-to-person" and mayhap that has happened to myself? an online-persona (if any) can only go so far, innit? for somehow or rather we would haveta interact with human beings, sharing the same air within a close sphere of influence and personal space, innit? and i find myself at a loss when i interact with peeps now, even for my own shoot recently. of coz i was the usual clown+joker+slut (that comes naturally unfortunately) and sometimes the tyrannic asshat (that too; is inbulit. HAH). but maybe tis my warped sense of interpersonal skills which has deteriorated? that i find it seemingly hard to relate to humanity? (of coz not that drama lah, but ya know what i mean, right?) that on one hand i long to be a hermit and wallow alone, on the other; the desire for interaction is so strong sometimes it overwhelms me. but the irony being my financial status had restricted my desires and movement. and i blame not for friends and lovers leaving me, for a hermit i've become and a stranger to many ... which is ultimately pretty fcuking sad, innit?
my "declaration" of my recently deceased mobilephone has garnered only two replies of fren's phone numbers. while others are just content to read and fuckoff. that says a lot to me, it does. and i can only but shrug a sad-shrug. for i have allowed myself to dwell in limboland and i fault no one but myself.
reading about the recent blog-out@Hideout brought a smile to my face. pretty darn cool, i think! i draw a parallel to the small toy-collecting-scene in singapore, for which i was closely connected to:
a buncha toy collectors who frequent a local toy-forum, bantering and trading info and tips online everyday. posting pictures of creations and collections for all to see and comment. an online community so tight, everyone knew what was going on in each others' toy-collecting lives. i even had a nick: SMLCAB-man (*Si1-Me4-Lan3-Cheow4-Also-Buy-Man = *every fuckthing also buy-dude! AHAHAHAHAHA) and from the web we transcended to a common meeting place at a smalltoyshop in midpoint orchard (which has since moved away, *sob*) EVERY SATURDAY afternoon. we met face to face ~ and that was cool! there was a face to to the online-peep. and times were fab and exciting. or "vibrant" as garhmen-peeps would say. constant haggling about toys, trading/buying/selling among ourselves, bitching (as any and all groups would i insist. HAH) and even the occassional "bidding/auction" in said small shopspace! fun times. and eventually a small group would meet near every other friday night for drinks at S-11 kopitiam at the stamford road or latenight prata at Jalan Kayu. holidays were even spent together (even for a short while) like xmas and new years were we would get plastered at the toyshop! hahahahahaha friggin hilarious those days ... great times indeed.
i miss those times.
i have since stopped collecting for a long while now. finances do not allow me. and even to hangout with them. no money no honey. and i look at the get-together at Hideout and know that even if i wanted to, i could not afford to go, much less if peeps know of me and my existance to be invited anyways. which is fair. the upcoming bloggers' convention? i imagine standing at a corner and staring at everyone else and being a stranger all over again and i dread being in that position. for i have become the dreadedhermit and i will but only read about it online afters, i reckon. heh. but we shall see ... tho i think it might be time for me to "rejoin" the toy-collecting community, if not to earn some moolah selling toys (muahahaha) but to catchup with old friends ... i am tired of being alone and i think i've rested enough ...
"convert negative energy to positive pursuits? pick up a hobby? pick up a new sport? channel your energy into something new; something more productive?" = easier said than done folks. if only i were as strongwilled as i was in my glorydays. but then my "glorydays" were filled with nothing but WORKWORKWORK and now that i've grown extremely tired of the working regime; where i wanna pursue my own personal joys and discoveries, i am still hampered by the chains of survival and the veil of reality and prudent practicality that blinds me again so. not a single moment of "creation" as i attempt them, where the gnawing clawing scrapping@theskin-feelings of "guilt" is not lingering over/behind/all-over me like maggots on decayingflesh! ... and i oft times find myself frozen in motion, with pencil in hand, with images waiting to be raped in photoshop on my Mac-screen; holding my fcuking breath. nahbey. the only consolation/release is me churning out words in my blog. somehow easier and most times as if im speaking to myself; a new "skill" developed recently i guess hahahaha NOT that i do not acknowledge the existence of my online reader-frens, ya? i do appreciate you dudes and dudettes dropping by ever so often ... just apologetic that i've not much positive happenings to relate, ya know? hahahaha
share to show you care .... heh :)
been reading about the existence of blogs and/or the "re-emergence" of blogging; especially in singapore and the sudden brouhaha surrounding it all, brings nothing but a smirk to my face. blogging has suddenly become the new buzzword in singapore and everybody suddenly has something to say about it! and EVERYONE knows how singapore responds to BUZZWORDS = tis becoz we have no life outside of what the media forcefeeds us (generalizing of coz) where we turn into lifeless xeroxclones and hence when we USE said BUZZWORDS, we are HIP. we are CONNECTED. we are "viable"?
while a mere 4months ago when i started this blogspot, t'was still seemingly an "underground-secret" (my own feelings) of some weird sorts. where bloggers had the www to "themselves" (for years) and now? POW! media coverage has suddenly glammed it all up and somehow (in my own fervid mind) diluted the whole darn thing. why must an emphasis of "hipness" and "edgy" be ever attached to an activity? why must there ever be fcuking "labels"? "diatrist" (spl) or whatnot? easy = tis for folks who dunno what "blogging" is, to be able to "understand" and "label acccordingly" and to be easier to "jump on the runaway train". lickety-split. a fashionfad it has become. hence = dilution. im just fcuking glad i exist not in the blogging world ~ to only a select few tho, and i am happy for now :)
flashback: when i "officially" started "blogging" back in September of '04 on multiply, i had only a fleeting idea of what a "blog" was. i had read some (and forgotten them) and had not thought much of it. my initial perception was: why are these peeps baring their life and secrets to the friggin' public? mediawhores? or merely asking for help? no life izzit? yes, i was judgemental and uninitiated, i admit. and when i started my "journal" on multiply (not named "blog" mind you. heh) it somehow seemed "different", altho it was obviously the fcuking same thing, innit? muahahahahaha ~ but for the power of ignorance and mere words, i was drawn to it all. and the next thing i knew: i was baring my life out into the public! nahbey. tho the thing about multiply was: it was mostly made up of regular friends initially and eventually it became increasingly difficult to bare everything that i had wanted to. too close for comfort. peeps were begining to use my words against me. no examples will be given im afraid, but surffice to say, i could not remain my "voice" uncensored in multiply for long.
hence my blogspot here. which was started for three reasons:
(1) i wanted somewhere totally anonymous to rant rave bitch whine and say WHATEVER THE FCUK I WANTED. without "reprisal" somehow, for i am not ignorant of the fact about "freedom of speech" ~ less that we think we have it and fight for it, but more for the reality that there will be "other people" who'll pervert your words and intentions for their own selfish purposes, regardless of your rights! heck, "real life" (ie. work, relationships) had proven time and again this'll inevitably happen! so what difference would a "private blog" be to them? would they ever adhere to the "rules"? not that it'll become a "us" versus "them" (tho i dare not claim to be an "us" in the first place) but time and situation will show themselves inevitably. tis not about "being negative", tis about being "aware" IMHO and the responsilities and consequences that comes with it. and itz not too old a news, innit? = something which'll plague blogs more so in the near future (if not NOW) when the mediacircus comes to town and the "customers" wanna start sueing (spl) everyother "performer" becoz they agree not with what they had come for ...
(2) i had suddenly found an avenue for "creation", more-so than "expression". i started this blog with more wannabe-prose+words than what is eventually now a diary of my mindfuck and misery. i had enjoyed so much more then, regardless of the "result". i've always loved "writing" prior but had been hampered by my own insecurities of my "ability". tho tis not to say i think i write well now, but more so i feel more comfortable writing. does that make any sense? HAH! i dun even care much if it doesn't anymore! ahahahahaha - for i write for myself first and foremost, more than having a desire to "entertain others" ... but sometimes i do try, not becoz i haveta, but becoz i want to. and that; to me, is the pure beauty of "blogging" IMHO.
(3) i started this blog becoz i was in love.
/surfing thru my various online identities via multiply and moblog and emails, i find myself "connected" to "humanity" only thru electronic means and that is silently saddening. and oft times with onlinepeeps i've never met in person. such irony, for i have lamented in the past about "not being able to truly connect person-to-person" and mayhap that has happened to myself? an online-persona (if any) can only go so far, innit? for somehow or rather we would haveta interact with human beings, sharing the same air within a close sphere of influence and personal space, innit? and i find myself at a loss when i interact with peeps now, even for my own shoot recently. of coz i was the usual clown+joker+slut (that comes naturally unfortunately) and sometimes the tyrannic asshat (that too; is inbulit. HAH). but maybe tis my warped sense of interpersonal skills which has deteriorated? that i find it seemingly hard to relate to humanity? (of coz not that drama lah, but ya know what i mean, right?) that on one hand i long to be a hermit and wallow alone, on the other; the desire for interaction is so strong sometimes it overwhelms me. but the irony being my financial status had restricted my desires and movement. and i blame not for friends and lovers leaving me, for a hermit i've become and a stranger to many ... which is ultimately pretty fcuking sad, innit?
my "declaration" of my recently deceased mobilephone has garnered only two replies of fren's phone numbers. while others are just content to read and fuckoff. that says a lot to me, it does. and i can only but shrug a sad-shrug. for i have allowed myself to dwell in limboland and i fault no one but myself.
reading about the recent blog-out@Hideout brought a smile to my face. pretty darn cool, i think! i draw a parallel to the small toy-collecting-scene in singapore, for which i was closely connected to:
a buncha toy collectors who frequent a local toy-forum, bantering and trading info and tips online everyday. posting pictures of creations and collections for all to see and comment. an online community so tight, everyone knew what was going on in each others' toy-collecting lives. i even had a nick: SMLCAB-man (*Si1-Me4-Lan3-Cheow4-Also-Buy-Man = *every fuckthing also buy-dude! AHAHAHAHAHA) and from the web we transcended to a common meeting place at a smalltoyshop in midpoint orchard (which has since moved away, *sob*) EVERY SATURDAY afternoon. we met face to face ~ and that was cool! there was a face to to the online-peep. and times were fab and exciting. or "vibrant" as garhmen-peeps would say. constant haggling about toys, trading/buying/selling among ourselves, bitching (as any and all groups would i insist. HAH) and even the occassional "bidding/auction" in said small shopspace! fun times. and eventually a small group would meet near every other friday night for drinks at S-11 kopitiam at the stamford road or latenight prata at Jalan Kayu. holidays were even spent together (even for a short while) like xmas and new years were we would get plastered at the toyshop! hahahahahaha friggin hilarious those days ... great times indeed.
i miss those times.
i have since stopped collecting for a long while now. finances do not allow me. and even to hangout with them. no money no honey. and i look at the get-together at Hideout and know that even if i wanted to, i could not afford to go, much less if peeps know of me and my existance to be invited anyways. which is fair. the upcoming bloggers' convention? i imagine standing at a corner and staring at everyone else and being a stranger all over again and i dread being in that position. for i have become the dreadedhermit and i will but only read about it online afters, i reckon. heh. but we shall see ... tho i think it might be time for me to "rejoin" the toy-collecting community, if not to earn some moolah selling toys (muahahaha) but to catchup with old friends ... i am tired of being alone and i think i've rested enough ...
