> temptations
or rather "material temptations" surrounds us at any given moment, at any given time and at any given place. t'was a simple and mundane day, peppered with temptations all around.
surfing the web for toys and images left me with a dastardly desire to starthoarding collecting toys again. from japanese miniatures to designer vinyls, to my addiction lurve: 1/6th action figures. missing the days and times where i'd look for bargains every other day when im free, literally searching for anything and everything that'll "complete me" = sounds stoopid funny, but t'was true ... then ... i was shallow for plastic ... i remember (when i started collecting) when every saturday was my "Toy Run Day" = whereby i spent and entire day going to every single toyshop in singapore that carried 12" figures and accessories. starting from beach road's "Yellowbox" (now at golden mile complex), then to shaw tower's "Toyplanetz" (still there), a quick popover to "Toyworks" at beach centre (? - now defunct). then an mrt to midpoint orchard, "Ultimate Toys" (since moved to China Square Central), a cross-over to the Heeren for "Action City" (5th floor). then a walkdown to Far East Plaza for "Simply Toys" and finally "Falcon's Hanger". *phew* and an entire day would've been spent/ gone. sometimes i've found nothing, tho most times im walking around; sweating like a hog and boths hands with giant red-unglam-plasticbags ... maybe you've seen me taking a final cigarette-break outside Far East Plaza longtime ago? hahahahaha *blergh*
... and sundays were reservedonly mainly for the Clarke Quay Flea Market (where sometimes i used to set-up stall) ... nothing but toys ... the (not-so-cheap) thrill of the hunt and the immeasurable excitment of finding a bargain (im a flea market whore too ... *sigh*)! ... those were the days ... *heave~a~heavy~sigh*
the same can be said for my comics. every thursday, friday or saturday; you would find me after work at me fav comics shop; WITHOUT FAIL. t'was a weekly routine i could not do without. even friends and girlfriends would haveta wait for me! hahahaha ... nothing could keep me away from my comics for long ...
but bothaddictions needs desires routines have changed drastically ... tis been months since i've stepped into a comicshop or toyshop ... funny how the lack of money can change a person's life lifestyle so drastically ... and it has mine.
tho one could and would say that: "izzit that important at all in the first place meh? can die one meh?".
of coz won't die lah! *PUI* - but it sure as hell's hard to live without, ya know? ... but still i try ... for those are my main interests and loves, ya know? they were metaphorically; "a part of me" for the longest time and had given me something intangible and incalculable within me ~ something more "valuable" to me, rather than just it'z "tangible value" (price) ... the sense of "satisfaction" (tho sometimes can be an "obssession") and pride (proud of the collection, tho sometimes skewered as "kiasu") and the immeasurable feeling of "freedom", in terms of both enjoyment and "creation" that comes with it ... to create my own characters, designs and to create my own stories ... dunno if im making any sense here tho ... heh :p
other usualcash-wastage expenditure included an obscene amount of CDs and DVDs; obscene. i was (and still am) a music-whore. and a dvd-slut too. dun matter if it's first hand, second hand or whatever-hand = works well, can already. no scratches please, muthafcukah. thank you. my HMV-card chopped until everytime got new CDs hahahaha and when Tower Records was at Pacific Plaza? wahlaoeh! listening to random cds on headphones most times got me pickingup and trying NEW cds and musicians! which was all cool and liberating, i'd insist ... and dvds with behind-the-scenes ALWAYS gets me pumpin'! it actually inspires me to deep-end with it all ... and i do miss "it" so ... "inspirations" are few and far in between nowsadays ... *sigh*
and something which i've also realized recently; i did not mind spending money on food. and i dun mean "designer/boutique/posh" restaurants and the like (in fact i dun like them at all - act class and end up paying for more than the food, BAH! yes i stingy and not glam, thank you berry much *blergh*). but will spend money to buy anything to eat that'll satisfy my desires and cravings. at any given time. from the simple popcorn (with melted butter! URRGGGHHHHZZZZZ miss it SO MUCH *PUI*) to a bag'a Famous Amos cookies everytime i walked past their shops (how to resist the smell, right? nahbey), to sushi (alla my favs were red plates, damn jialat) to ... everything lah! and im a late-nite-supper-bitch as well ~ bring it on, man! of coz, not denying the fact that it costs to travel, innit? which i guess is a healthy (*cough-cough*) balance, as i dun club much. once-in-a-fcuking-blue-moon-type. mainly becoz i dun drink. can't fcuking hold my liquor lah! hahahahaha one beer and ya gots me smiling lieow! a few more of that and hard liquor? a one-man-stand-up-comedy-act would unfold (but that's another long story for another time lah) ... heh ... but with chill frens, tis cool, becoz nobody gives a shit, and i can drink and relax,spaz dance if and when i feel like it and generally relax lah ... pick-up chicks? never. they can't hear me anyways thru the music, innit? HAH! ... ... ... or maybe they see me; they run? ... HAH! *blergh* ;p
and the ultimatesin indulgence: taxi. taking taxi anywhere and everywhere fcuking drained my resources dry sial! seriously. no joke ... which i argued figured t'was cheaper than owning and driving a car, innit? (i dun drive, sad right? *blergh*) ... those were the days ...
and all of the above "climaxed" this evening, when me and family went out for dinner, at the neighbourhood mall; Loyang Point. dinner was "satisfactory on a basic-feed-stomach-only-level", but i had a sudden craving for Denny's (WTF?). the ice-cold strawberry milkshake i tasted in my lips gave in to a can of "China-Apple". and i resisted dessert, coz the Iced BorBorChaCha looked nothing like Hard Rock Cafe's Chocolate Brownie Sundae ... (and no im not spoilt)
afterwards, took a chill walk around the mall ... and spent a ridiculous amount of time in the new EZYVideo store; thumbing the new dvds for sale. "Constantine 2-disc widescreen edition with comic". "Ocean's 12". "Sideways". "Uncut Director's Edition of XXX". the list is fcuking endless. of coz i walked out ... with head laid low and fingers raw. the secondhand bookshop after that offered no reprieve as well. thumbing thru the secondhand and dismal comics only reminded me of my pain. but even so, i couldn't even find anything remotely close to a "second choice" ... and i could feel myself crawling out of the shop by then ...
looking for (but fortunately) and unable to find MILK magazines (another decadent desire for HK fashion mags), i endedup scanning the racks of Made-In-China-carded toys hanging at the side of the display racks. from mutiliated power rangers to basturdized supermans and batmans, i stopped myself from touching them, as my fingers edged closer and closer ... i was that desperate ... dammit ... and in the end, i walked out with $4-worth of toto (for the coming monday's 2.8-million dollar prize) and lit up my 3rd-last cigarette for the weekend (no money to buy more lieow) and thinking: "this'll be a fcuking long sunday lor" ...
and thinking this: "shit. should've just gone home straight after makan. dun see, no temptations. no temptations, no anguish."
BAH.
and here i am, typing alla this rubbish, trying to justify my desires andneeds wants; as temptations. and i am lost in my original excuse intention for this entry. heh. doesn't really matter much now tho, for reality denies me alla that i used to have and enjoy ... and any amount of "enlightenment" is not going to take away THAT much pain and anguish (okay, that sound TOO drama, but i dun give two-fcuks') and any amount of self-blame is not helping anything and anyone; ;east of all, ME (HAH!) and so i whine and reminisce and plot plan the rest of my night and sunday ...
as much as i wanna be out having drinks/supper/chilling: i am at home on a saturday night 15minutes before 12midnite and i dun haveta worry about midnight-charge and the crowds.
as much as i wanna be watching a movie now: i can always re-play my old favs on dvds.
as much as i want to buy new toys: i can always (and plan to) play with whatever i have now and create something new!
as much as i want to read new comics now: ... dammit, am stuck. i've re-read alla my old ones already ... moody now ... *pout*
BLERGH.
and it's not just about "growing up" or "keeping it real", folks ... tis about a change in lifestyle and personal neccessities put aside for survival ... but what if; in some intangible sense ~ alla these WERE/ARE a form of "survival"? of something that had actually helped with me "coping" with the real world? what then?
pick up a sport? redirect your energies? find a new inexpensive hobby? go get laid? (i wish) go get a life?
thanks, but no thanks. i is stubborn. bah.
heh. in the end, we/i just make do with whatever is in front of us/me and smile that there is still a (day)dream; about "tomorrows" ... or at least til after *monday ... (*only toto-buyers will know what i mean... heh) ;p
and hence the end of this entry and i've just lit-up my 2nd-last cigarette of the weekend. dammit ... itz gonna be a long sunday ... heh :p
surfing the web for toys and images left me with a dastardly desire to start
... and sundays were reserved
the same can be said for my comics. every thursday, friday or saturday; you would find me after work at me fav comics shop; WITHOUT FAIL. t'was a weekly routine i could not do without. even friends and girlfriends would haveta wait for me! hahahaha ... nothing could keep me away from my comics for long ...
but both
of coz won't die lah! *PUI* - but it sure as hell's hard to live without, ya know? ... but still i try ... for those are my main interests and loves, ya know? they were metaphorically; "a part of me" for the longest time and had given me something intangible and incalculable within me ~ something more "valuable" to me, rather than just it'z "tangible value" (price) ... the sense of "satisfaction" (tho sometimes can be an "obssession") and pride (proud of the collection, tho sometimes skewered as "kiasu") and the immeasurable feeling of "freedom", in terms of both enjoyment and "creation" that comes with it ... to create my own characters, designs and to create my own stories ... dunno if im making any sense here tho ... heh :p
other usual
and something which i've also realized recently; i did not mind spending money on food. and i dun mean "designer/boutique/posh" restaurants and the like (in fact i dun like them at all - act class and end up paying for more than the food, BAH! yes i stingy and not glam, thank you berry much *blergh*). but will spend money to buy anything to eat that'll satisfy my desires and cravings. at any given time. from the simple popcorn (with melted butter! URRGGGHHHHZZZZZ miss it SO MUCH *PUI*) to a bag'a Famous Amos cookies everytime i walked past their shops (how to resist the smell, right? nahbey), to sushi (alla my favs were red plates, damn jialat) to ... everything lah! and im a late-nite-supper-bitch as well ~ bring it on, man! of coz, not denying the fact that it costs to travel, innit? which i guess is a healthy (*cough-cough*) balance, as i dun club much. once-in-a-fcuking-blue-moon-type. mainly becoz i dun drink. can't fcuking hold my liquor lah! hahahahaha one beer and ya gots me smiling lieow! a few more of that and hard liquor? a one-man-stand-up-comedy-act would unfold (but that's another long story for another time lah) ... heh ... but with chill frens, tis cool, becoz nobody gives a shit, and i can drink and relax,
and the ultimate
and all of the above "climaxed" this evening, when me and family went out for dinner, at the neighbourhood mall; Loyang Point. dinner was "satisfactory on a basic-feed-stomach-only-level", but i had a sudden craving for Denny's (WTF?). the ice-cold strawberry milkshake i tasted in my lips gave in to a can of "China-Apple". and i resisted dessert, coz the Iced BorBorChaCha looked nothing like Hard Rock Cafe's Chocolate Brownie Sundae ... (and no im not spoilt)
afterwards, took a chill walk around the mall ... and spent a ridiculous amount of time in the new EZYVideo store; thumbing the new dvds for sale. "Constantine 2-disc widescreen edition with comic". "Ocean's 12". "Sideways". "Uncut Director's Edition of XXX". the list is fcuking endless. of coz i walked out ... with head laid low and fingers raw. the secondhand bookshop after that offered no reprieve as well. thumbing thru the secondhand and dismal comics only reminded me of my pain. but even so, i couldn't even find anything remotely close to a "second choice" ... and i could feel myself crawling out of the shop by then ...
looking for (but fortunately) and unable to find MILK magazines (another decadent desire for HK fashion mags), i endedup scanning the racks of Made-In-China-carded toys hanging at the side of the display racks. from mutiliated power rangers to basturdized supermans and batmans, i stopped myself from touching them, as my fingers edged closer and closer ... i was that desperate ... dammit ... and in the end, i walked out with $4-worth of toto (for the coming monday's 2.8-million dollar prize) and lit up my 3rd-last cigarette for the weekend (no money to buy more lieow) and thinking: "this'll be a fcuking long sunday lor" ...
BAH.
and here i am, typing alla this rubbish, trying to justify my desires and
as much as i wanna be out having drinks/supper/chilling: i am at home on a saturday night 15minutes before 12midnite and i dun haveta worry about midnight-charge and the crowds.
as much as i wanna be watching a movie now: i can always re-play my old favs on dvds.
as much as i want to buy new toys: i can always (and plan to) play with whatever i have now and create something new!
as much as i want to read new comics now: ... dammit, am stuck. i've re-read alla my old ones already ... moody now ... *pout*
BLERGH.
and it's not just about "growing up" or "keeping it real", folks ... tis about a change in lifestyle and personal neccessities put aside for survival ... but what if; in some intangible sense ~ alla these WERE/ARE a form of "survival"? of something that had actually helped with me "coping" with the real world? what then?
thanks, but no thanks. i is stubborn. bah.
heh. in the end, we/i just make do with whatever is in front of us/me and smile that there is still a (day)dream; about "tomorrows" ... or at least til after *monday ... (*only toto-buyers will know what i mean... heh) ;p
and hence the end of this entry and i've just lit-up my 2nd-last cigarette of the weekend. dammit ... itz gonna be a long sunday ... heh :p
