LookBack@2009: The Nine Most Suckadelic Things of 2009 by The Sucklord
So what does Playmobil and Micronauts have to do with President Obama? And how does G.I.Joe and Land of the Lost-movies compare to the LOST television series? TOYSREVIL asked Morgan Phillips aka The Sucklord for the TOP-9 highlights / downs / impressions of 2009 and he came back with THE NINE MOST SUCKADELIC THINGS OF 2009!CLICK THRU to find out Who Won and Who Failed in 2009!
(*Warning: Coarse Language Ahead*)
THE NINE MOST SUCKADELIC THINGS OF 2009
#1 The OBAMA BACKLASH:
All the starry eyed liberals got they panties all bunched up when they found out that Obama couldn't actually walk on water. Epic bitch feast begins when he turns out to be a practical deal-maker rather than a left wing Dictator. Disgruntled hippies stay home and give up, letting mobs of tea-party douchebags run the public discourse.
STATUS: FAIL
#2 The GI JOE Movie:
Epic fail on the villain front. The Baroness was really good but being mind controlled? STUPID! A ninja like Storm Shadow walking in the front door with no mask blazing guns? NOT VERY NINJA LIKE. Cobra Commander's Mask? No hood, no helmet (too cool) How about a plastic Jellyfish? FUCKING RETARDED!
STATUS: FAIL
[Villainy has a new face = Yo-Joe Suckpegs FTW!]
#3 LOVE SAVES THE DAY IN NYC CLOSES:
Another classic New York institution closes forever. This dope, psychedelic vintage toy store/ museum hosted one of the last 25 cent bins in NYC. Now where am I gonna go to buy piles of random bits of Teenage Mutant Turtle accessories and Happy Meal toy flotsam to kit bash. Fuckin city gets lamer all the time.
STATUS: FAIL
[Sucklord organizes Star Wars Galaxy 4 Artist Die-Cut Cards / Interviews on TRE / and makes SUCKPAX cards of his own! / Reviewed]
#4 SUCKADELIC PRETTY MUCH RULES EVERYTHING:
The Super Sucklord was unstoppable in 2009, being pretty much everywhere and doing everything and looking good doing it. A relentless attack of dope Concept-art toys kept heads spinning all year. Girls got giddy, the haters hated, and the Sucklord ruled everybody.
STATUS: WIN
[The Sucklord at the Suck-tropolis show launch @ Metropolis Gallery / circa December 2009]
#5 LOST SEASON 5:
How a show can go on for this long and not suck is incredible. The way the plot turns over and around itself again and again and never fucks up the continuity is a major win for the 09. The characters actually make you care about what happens. We finally get to see the whole statue and find out that the writers had planned it out all the way from the beginning instead of making it up as they went along. (Heroes, anyone?) Season 6 is gonna rule.
STATUS: WIN
#6MY BURGEONING PLAYMOBIL COLLECTION:
After years of quiet self restraint, I finally got up the extra cash to treat myself to a whole grip of new Playmobil toys. I got in a period of 2 days after Christmas, The Pyramid, The Sphinx, The Pharaoh's Temple, a bunch of little guys, and the fucking Glow in the dark Whale Skeleton from the new Ghost Pirates series. How these toys, which are so detailed and well made with made paint decos and accessories can be so in expensive is beyond me. Best toy line ever! Designer Vinyl can suck it compared to these master pieces.
STATUS: WIN
#7 MY NEW VAPOR BROTHERS VAPORIZER:
After years of coughing my lungs off smoking nasty blunts and tar-rich one hitters, I finally got a quality Vaporizer to enjoy a cleaner smoke of my *Ahem* "medicinal herbs." Man this thing is cool, it's like that shit the snot Vampire would be hitting off of in the Mos Eisley Cantina (look it up). It's just one part of my new "stop destroying yourself utterly" regimen and it feels great. What a buzz...
STATUS: WIN
[Sucklord making toy-bank with Beerlao bounty ~ YUM-SENG!]
#8 LAND OF THE LOST MOVIE:
Will Ferrell is forever an enemy of the Sucklord after he destroyed a fantastic opportunity to make a great film. As cheesy as it was, LOTL was some quality Sci-Fi and had such an awesome 70s psychedelic look to it.
It could have been "true to the show" as well as be re-imagined as a comedy. It was neither. Gone was every thing cool, weird, trippy and interesting, it was replaced by unfunny dinosaur urine jokes and crappy, phoned in Will Ferrell grandstanding. What was funny about the show was how seriously the actors took it all when it was so completely fake looking. That fake Jurassic Park shit was no where near as cool as claymation Dinosaurs would have been.
What was up with Enik being a midget and a Villain? What was up with the Zarn being a flaming Sleestak. Why didn't you go into the caves? I can't say it enough, FUCK YOU WILL FERRELL, you FUCKING SUCK.
STATUS: FAILURE OF EPIC PROPORTIONS
[Band of the Lost figures from Sucklord]
#9 HASBRO GETS THE MICRONAUTS:
Yes! It's about time one of the greatest toy lines ever gets the big treatment. Hasbro is just the company to do it up right. Plus they have the MARVEL license so maybe we will finally get a figure of BUG. I am a little worried that they aren't going to use real chrome on the Time Traveller heads, it's still gonna be awesome. If they can put it all together, the Mego, the Marvel, and the Microman, this will be a hit line.
Plus JJ Abrams is sniffing around the movie License? That would be a dream come true. Micronauts has always suffered from the lack of a cohesive cosmology. Hopefully JJ can pull one off. hey JJ, call me if you need any help with that.
STATUS: SUPER WIN
[Suckadelic Super SuckOff 2 Group Custom Show / tagged on TRE]
Disclaimer: The views expressed here remain the interviewee's own and is not shared with the owner of this blog. Although the blog owner agrees with the assessment of G.I.Joe and thankfully have not watched Land Of The Lost. The Sucklord has just helped me save $$$!
